Celebrity Deathmatch Cartoon, Anime, Movie Edition
by Felix Rodriguez
Summary: OUT OF HIATUS FOR THE TIME BEING - The Brand new Celebrity Deathmatch that has matches with Cartoons, Anime, Movies and sometimes Video Games. Rated M for violence and language in later chapters.
1. Opening 1

1Disclaimer: I don't own any part of this show or any characters I use or any hint of a show or movie, or music I MAY use.

THE FOLLOWING YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE (read) IS, IN FACT, FICTION. ANY SIMILARITIES TO ANY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD, IS COINCIDENTAL OR UNINTENTIONAL.

ANYWAY, IT'S JUST CLAY! (You see where I'm goin' with this right?)

JG: Can a kid with a big brain take out a kid with big teeth to win the love of their lives? Will a twisted robot general win against a whole cul-de-sac of kids with a special partner of their choice? And the 2 robots that were the leaders of the Maximals and Predacons will duke it out tonight on-

_**CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH**_

(Cartoon, Anime, Movie Edition)

Johnny Gomez (JG): Hello Folks and welcome to another season of Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez-

Nick Diamond (ND): and I'm Nick Diamond. We've got a blood-tastic show in store for you tonight folks.

Inferno (I): What about me! The Royalty asked me to stay in this booth so that makes me an announcer too!

Johnny: Yes, well, Megatron has asked that Inferno be announcer for tonight.

ND: (whispers) The real reason is so Inferno won't distract him from his fight later on tonight.

JG: Anyway, so lets get on with the fights, tonight's first bout pits two kids against each other for a girl.

I: Yes, it's silly how you feeble humans will kill yourselves just for a partner of the opposite sex.

ND: How about you shut up and let us do our jobs!

I: I will BURN you human!

JG: Will both of you shut the hell up and let me talk.

Nick and Inferno glare at each other.

JG: As I was saying the first bout pits young Jimmy Neutron against Timmy Turner.

ND: This whole thing is just over the love of their young lives, Cindy Vortex.

I: The pathetic young human will be locked in a cage above the fighters and will only be released after a winner is declared.

ND: Not only that, but our fighters will be surrounded by acid on the outside of the ring (like the Madonna vs. Michael Jackson match)

JG: The next fight has that twisted General Grievous taking on the kids from Ed, Edd, 'N' Eddy with a special partner of their choice.

ND: When asked to say who it was they chose they said-

Ed: Buttered Toast

Nazz: (interviewer was too nervous to talk to her)

Sarah: Get the hell out of my face!

Rolf: (Rambled on about nothing in particular)

Plank: (Stares)

Jonny 2x4: What's a deathmatch?

Eddy: Don't care, Double D is thinking about that.

Jimmy: I hope I don't get hurt. (No matter who wins he's going down first)

Kevin: (Punches interviewer in stomach and kicks him in groin) Oh, I thought you were Grievous.

Edd: I don't know yet, I've been through many logical thoughts and figures but can't decide who would be best.

(Johnny, Nick, and Inferno all have shocked looks on their faces)

JG: Wow, unless they find a good partner, they are going to get their asses kicked. It's also a good thing that Debbie wasn't here, that other interviewer almost got killed.

ND: (disappointed) Yeah.

I: If you two are done yapping I will say that the final bout tonight is where my Queen will be the victor!

JG: We'll see Inferno, we'll see.

I: I know the Royalty will triumph.

ND: The main event tonight is were Optimus Primal will take on Megatron for the title of winner of the old show they and ant-boy here came from, Beast Wars!

JG: The special twist in this match is that both combatants will have only 3 times they can change into their beast mode. (By the way if you have seen the show you will know what I'm talking about Optimus will be in his season 1 gorilla form and Megatron in his season 3 dragon form)

ND: Why is this so important? Well we are putting raw energon all over the arena that won't harm us.

I: Energon! I can't stay in robot mode for more than a few minutes with that stuff around and neither can my Queen!

JG: Calm down Inferno, the energon will be closer to the ring and won't affect you.

ND: So the robots can only change into the beast modes 3 times and then will be stuck in beast mode.

JG: But right now it's time to start our first match.

And that's where I'll stop it but I'll need help with the Ed's partner and future episodes, please give me reviews on who you think can be the person (anyone in a movie, anime, or cartoon only please) and help me out. Thanks!


	2. Timmy vs Jimmy

1Disclaimer: I don't own anything that I use except the ideas for the fights.(that aren't made by the reviewers.)

Johnny Gomez (JG): The two combatants are making their way to the ring.

Nick Diamond (ND): What made them want to fight each other over Cindy in a deathmatch anyway Johnny?

Inferno (I): Probably something stupid that they did like most of you feeble humans!

ND: You are this close to getting your ass kicked Inferno!

I: Bring it on old man!

JG: While those two duke it out, let's see how Timmy and Jimmy got here.

(A flashback sequence begins)

JG: They were both fighting over her since they first met. They were fighting one day when-

Timmy: Hey Brain-boy, I heard of this place where we can settle this called Celebrity Deathmatch.

Jimmy: Looks like you have to pay $500 for a paper you have to sign to fight. How are we going to get that money?

Timmy whispers something to two pick and green dogs. The note changes to say that the next two people who come will get a fight sheet for free.

Jimmy: Okay, let's go.

JG: They both went and signed, but what they didn't know was that this wasn't a normal deathmatch.

(Nick and Inferno are still fighting)

JG: Can we get security up here please! Let's go down to the ring. In the blue corner, a kid with a big brain and a big hairdo-Jimmy Neutron!

Jimmy: Turner, prepare to die!

JG: And in the red corner, another kid with big teeth and the attention span of a rodent-Timmy Turner.

Timmy: Cindy, you'll be down from there soon!

Cindy was already in her cage above them.

Cindy: Those boys will be the _death _of me.

JG: Now let's go to Mills Lane to start the match.

Mills Lane (ML): Okay you two, now you know the rules and no one starts until I say "get it on" so lets get it on.

JG: Timmy starts things off by running over and kicking Jimmy in the face.

Timmy: This is for calling me Beaver Boy.

Jimmy recovers from the blow and throws a few punches of his own.

Jimmy: Even though you saved my dog and the town, I'll still have to kill you.

Timmy: Sorry there, Baron von Big Brain but that will have to be you that dies! Let me sing you a song called "Another One Bites the Dust"

As Timmy sings it he punches Jimmy all over.

Jimmy: I didn't want to do this Timmy, but I have no choice. Goddard, kill him!

JG: I don't believe this fight fans! Jimmy's mechanical dog Goddard has flown onto the scene.

Goddard fires his beam and misses Timmy but hits a spectator.

Timmy: That's cheating!

ML: I'll allow it.

Goddard fires again and misses. It again heads toward the audience.

Don King: Only in America could I get a seat like this in a stadium like this in a beautiful city like this.

Popcorn man: Hears your popcorn Mr. King.

Don King: Thank you Son, only in America could I get popcorn like this with the butter and the salt like this with the-

The beam vaporizes him.

Timmy: I guess I will have to just call in some robots of my own.

He takes out a cell-phone and dials a number.

JG: I wonder who he's calling? There seems to be a phone ringing in the audience.

The phone is picked up by a young man.

Timmy: Hello? Yeah, you're in the audience right? Oh, I see ya. So then Jack, can I have some robots?

Jack: Sure, I can always make more. Just say—

Timmy: Okay. Jack-bots Attack!

JG: Oh my god! Jack Spicer has lent some of his robots to Timmy!

The Jack-bots attack but some are destroyed by Goddard.

Timmy (thinking): I have to take out that metal mutt.

(Whispering) Hey Cosmo and Wanda (who are buttons on his shirt) I wish for a metal bone.

They wave their wands and Timmy has a metal bone in his hand.

Timmy: Hey Doggy, over here!

Timmy shows Goddard the bone and throws it near the acid. He goes over and retries it. The Jack-bots come push him into the acid.

Jimmy: Goddard! That's it, no more mister nice genius!

He pulls out a ray gun and fires it at Timmy. More of the Jack-bots take the fall for him.

Only 3 remain.

Jimmy: That's it Turner, you're dead!

Timmy: Oh Neutron, I hate to say it but I think this match is over.

Jimmy: Yes, and I have won.

Timmy: No I don't think so. Jack-bots!

Jimmy turns around and vaporizes the last 3 Jack-bots.

Jimmy: That the best you can do Turner?

He turns around and sees Timmy with a huge golf club.

Jimmy: Where did you get that!

Timmy: Internet. Know I want to sing you a song called "Jimmy Neutron". (To tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy) Oh Jimmy Neutron was a dick, he was a great big dick face, until I came around and made look around, and now he is a lame lace.

Jimmy: What the hell is a 'lame lace'?

Timmy: I don't know but one thing is for sure, my golfing is still good.

He raises the club up.

Timmy: Four!

Timmy swings and knocks Jimmy's screaming head off which flies up into the sky.

JG: That head is going, going, (it hits the lights and explodes) GONE!

Mills comes back and raises Timmy's hand.

ML: Timmy Turner is the winner!

Timmy: Okay, now you have let Cindy down.

JG: Our chain cutters are going and-

All of the chains are cut at once and

JG: The cage is heading straight for the acid!

Timmy whispers something to Cosmo and Wanda. Tootie appears in the cage instead of Cindy just as the cage hits the acid and melts.

JG: I wonder where Cindy went.

She awakens later in Timmy's room to meet the victor of the match.

JG: Oh well, I'm sure she'll turn up eventually.

He turns around and sees Nick and Inferno who were fighting for the whole match tired and exhausted on the ground.

JG: Are you two ladies done? Now then, when we return, General Grievous will take on the cul-de-sac kids and their partner when we return.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH.

Please read and review. If you want any special anime, movie, or cartoon character fight in a match just tell me the following stuff in your review.

1. The two fighters names

2. The match type or a stipulation (acid around ring)

3. The cause of the fight.

Also, if anyone has any idea about the Ed's partner please let me know in your review. Thanks!


	3. Grievous vs Culdesac

1Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the fight ideas (that aren't made by fans.)

Thanks to Eric32289 for giving me the fight idea for a later episode.

The next episode will be a fan request show so please give me reviews. Thanks!

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

Johnny Gomez (JG): We're back folks, and if you're just joining us or were fighting during the last match, here's what you missed-

(Recap begins)

JG: In the first bout, Timmy Turner took on Jimmy Neutron to be the boyfriend of Cindy Vortex. Jimmy and his dog started things out with a bang. He kept Timmy at bay until he got some help from Jack Spicer and his weird ability to make things appear in his hand. Jimmy thought he had the match won but Timmy had one more surprise in store and launched Jimmy's head into the sky and ended the match.

(Recap ends)

Nick Diamond (ND): That looks like some exciting match you had without us Johnny.

Inferno (I): Yes, I underestimated this, I thought it would be less violent. THIS IS GREAT! I want to see more.

JG: You'll get your wish Inferno, and soon because we're onto our second match

General Grievous vs. Ed, Edd, Eddy, Sarah, Jimmy, Jonny 2x4, Plank, Rolf, Kevin, Nazz, and their special partner.

ND: What was this match about Johnny?

JG: I don't know Nick, I have the sheet that says that right here.

(Reads to self quietly) WOW.

ND: What does it say.

JG: It says here that Grievous doesn't like anything that breaks the imaginary fourth-wall.

ND: You mean when someone knows they are being filmed and says something to the camera (to the audience) or something along those lines?

JG: Yes, that's exactly right.

I: What a WUSS! I bet I could take him out.

JG: You've never seen Star Wars, have you?

I: What is Stair Wars?

ND & JG: (look of shock)

ND: Okay, let's go down to ringside.

JG: In the blue corner, the group of 9 kids, 1 piece of wood, and someone in a black outfit, The Cul-De-Sac kids!

Eddy: Who's gonna win?

Ed: Him.

Eddy: Shut up Ed!

Ed: I love chickens Eddy!

JG: And in the red corner, the meanest, badass ever to star in Star Wars apart from Darth Vader, General Grievous!

Grievous: cough cough I will triumph!

ND: And now it's time to reveal the mystery partner. I wonder who it's going to be, Johnny.

JG: I have no idea Nick.

I: It had better be somebody strong.

JG: Mills is taking off the mask and the person under it is-

A person with a long white beard and white clothes is under the mask and clothes.

ND: It's Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings!

JG: No it isn't Nick, that's Saruman the White: the evil wizard!

I: They may actually win this fight!

Eddy: (whispers) How did you get him to fight with us?

Edd: I promised him a whole bunch of money we will get later.

JG: Let's go to Mills to start the fight.

Mills Lane (ML): Okay, now I want a good clean fight, no hitting below the– (looks at Grievous) ah hell let's get it on!

JG: Looks like Saruman and Grievous will fight first, and the others will watch.

Saruman casts a spell with his staff. Grievous dodges it and it heads for Jimmy.

Jimmy: Why me!

He is blown up by the spell.

JG: Oh, looks like Saruman has already taken out one member of the Cul-de-sac.

ND: If this keeps up as it is, they will have no team left.

I: Saruman, take out that faggot!

Grievous: Hey, you shut the hell up, up there!

I: Make me you son-of-a-bitch!

Grievous uses one of his lightsabers and slices the top of Saruman's staff off.

Grievous: Now you can't use your fancy spells.

Saruman: Sure I can, but let's make this interesting.

He magically summons two swords.

ND: Saruman has summoned swords and is going to use them against Grievous.

Grievous: Ha ha ha ha! You seriously think you can contend with my lightsabers?

Saruman: Yes.

The swords ignite like lightsabers. Grievous ignites two more of his, one with his other hand and one with his foot.

ND: Johnny I think Inferno is getting a little crazy.

JG: I see what you mean Nick.

I: Crush the scum Saruman, rip out his heart!

Grievous and Saruman duke it out with the lightsabers and no one is getting anywhere.

Grievous: Let's turn this up a notch.

He detaches his other two arms and ignites two more lightsabers.

ND: I don't know how Saruman can withstand four lightsabers at the same time.

JG: He's a very powerful wizard Nick.

Right at that moment, Grievous cuts Saruman's beard off.

JG: I guess I spoke too soon.

Saruman: That beard cost me $20,000,000! Die you bastard!

They both fight but no more damage is caused.

I: This is getting very old, very fast.

Eddy: Hey, hurry it up will ya! What do I pay you for?

Saruman: Speaking of that, when _AM _I going to get payed!

Eddy: Me and my big mouth!

Saruman: What you're saying is you don't have my money?

Edd: Um, No.

Saruman (looks at Grievous): Let's get 'um!

Grievous: With pleasure.

JG: What a total change of plans! Eddy stupidly says he doesn't have his money and know they're in for it.

Grievous goes after Rolf while Saruman shreds Sarah up into tiny little bloody pieces. Grievous grabs Rolf, stabs him in the stomach with the lightsaber in his foot, and then uses the other two lightsabers to slice his carcass into strips of meat.

ND: Looks like Rolf, Sarah, and Jimmy are all out of it.

JG: And Jonny is next.

I: NO! He can't win!

JG: If this keeps up, he will.

Jonny is stabbed in the face and sent into the corner of the ring where Saruman stabs him again in the back.

Edd: Don't worry! I can stop this, I have this zombifyer ray which will make anything I hit a zombie.

They grab a stunned Kevin and destroy him.

Eddy: Hurry Double D, they just sliced Kevin in half!

Kevin's dead carcass was thrown all over the arena.

Nazz: They're here Double D do something!

Edd: (Stammering and sputtering)

He fires the ray but Nazz is in the way and she is hit.

Edd: Now I know this thing was working this morning.

Eddy & Ed: DOUBLE D!

Ed is grabbed by Grievous and Eddy by Saruman.

Edd: I was sure it was working. Well, better go fix it.

He leaves with the zombified Nazz behind him.

JG: They're leaving Nick, if they don't come back before the match is over, they aren't part of the match.

Eddy: Where the fuck is he goin'!

Grievous: Oh, well, this is a move we like to call the battering dope ram.

Grievous and Saruman hold Ed and Eddy facing each other and back up. They both run towards each other. Ed and Eddy scream as their heads hit each other and are crushed. The blood spews all over from their disembodied heads. Mills comes back and looks over the carnage. He raises Greivous's and Saruman's hands up.

ML: General Grievous and Saruman are the winners.

I: God damn it! That fucker shouldn't have won.

JG: Inferno, the, uh, microphones are still on.

I: Hey, metal dumbass!

Grievous: Yes, I can hear you! You think you're so tough!

I: Yes I do! In fact, I challenge you to a match in two weeks! No partners, no special guests, no ring changes! Just you and me!

Grievous: I accept your offer bug! Enjoy your last two weeks alive!

Grievous leaves the ring. Saruman stays in the ring.

ML: Get out of here son, the match is over.

Saruman: No it isn't there is one left.

JG: I don't see anyone, do you Nick?

ND: Not a soul.

I: Wait! Look near the bald kid's corpse!

JG: Plank! In the excitement of the match, we forgot about him!

ND: What's a hunk of wood gonna do?

I: Just watch.

Plank is set up against the rope and Saruman looks ready to face him.

Saruman: No matter what you do you can't win, you're not even real. (Laughs)

Plank just stares and falls over and lands on a button on the side of the ring. A spot in the ceiling opens up and swords and maces galore fall out of it. They all land on Saruman.

I: The secret weapon stash I was going to give to the Royalty to cheat with! I said that out loud didn't I?

JG: Well it looks like it did the job.

Mills raises Plank up.

ML: Plank is the winner.

JG: Well what an upset, a powerful wizard brought to his end by a hunk of wood.

ND: And we got a new fight out of it. You are gonna get killed by Grievous.

I: Laugh it up human, you're next!

JG: When we return Optimus Primal and Megatron will duke it out. Don't go anywhere!

I: Or I will find you and KILL you!

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

Please read and review. If you want anyone in a match if you could be nice enough to give me

1. Two fighters (cartoon, anime, movie, or in another episode after this gets going it will be a video game salute show.)

I have two of the matches for the video game show, the first will be Sonic vs. Mario Thanks again to Eric32289 for the info, and the main event will be Link vs. The Prince of Persia from the Sands of Time Trilogy but I still need one more.

2. Any special ring changes or special people.(guest referee, guest partner)

3. The cause of the fight.

Thanks!

This is the episode plan: Next episode,

Viewer's Choice

Matches:

1 TBA

2 TBA

Main Event TBA

Regular episode

Matches:

1 TBA

2 TBA

Main Event Inferno vs. General Grievous

Video game episode

Matches

1 Sonic vs. Mario

2 TBA

Main Event Link vs. Prince of Persia


	4. Megatron vs Optimus Primal

Disclaimer: I don't own anything basically.

Note: Sorry for not updating! My computer busted and I had to get a new one. Then I had to go to Minneapolis for 2 weeks so I haven't had time! And I know this chapter is TOTAL bullshit but it's all I could come up with so as I always say: If you can come up with something better DO IT YOURSELF!

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

Johnny Gomez (JG): Were back folks and know it's time for the main event!

Nick Diamond (ND): It feels like we've been at commercial break for months.

Inferno (I): It's only been four minutes.

ND: I know, but I just think that-

JG: Just forget about it, the energon has been loaded into the ring. And here come the fighters.

Optimus Primal slowly comes down the ramp with the Maximals following. Megatron and the Predacons follow shortly.

I: Win the match Royalty!

Megatron: I intend to Inferno and will end this quickly.

Mills Lane (ML): Okay you two, know I want a good clean fight, obey my commands at all times, and no help from your teammates in the ring. Now let's get it on!

Optimus: Maximize!

Megatron: Terrorize! Primal, you are going down.

Optimus: I don't think so!

Primal leaves the ring and starts running up the entrance ramp!

Megatron: Come back here and fight me!

Scorponok: You won Megatron!

Megatron: Yes. But I wanted to kill him.

Primal: You'll get your chance Megatron!

Optimus comes flying into the ring with a Gatling gun.

Megatron: This can't be allowed!

ML: I'll allow it!

Optimus begins to fire the gun at Megatron and he begins to spark. Megatron then begins to turn blue.

Megatron: Energon build-up! Beast mode!

He turns into the dragon and flies into the air Optimus follows using his jets. Optimus began to fire blasts of his guns into Megatron's back. Megatron then did a 360 turn and hit Optimus and knocked him into some energon. Optimus sparked and fizzled in the corner of the ring. He exploded into tiny pieces.

ND: (annoyed) THAT'S IT!!!!! THAT'S THE FIGHT THAT WAS GONNA BRING US OUTTA BANKRUPTCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS 30 SECONDS OF BULLSHIT!!!!

JG: Yep were screwed.

I: Good job Royalty!

All the Maximals come into the ring to challenge Megatron but suddenly the rafters all fall. They crush all the Maximals and a person descends into the ring.

Felix Rodriguez (FR): Did it work guys? Aw shit I hit the Maximals, oh well they're just robots.

JG: What do you mean?

FR: I can rebuild them and I'll do it later.

I: Who the fuck is that?

JG: That would be the general manager Felix Rodriguez.

FR: Good job on the commentary tonight Inferno. I would like to offer a full-time contract to you.

ND: Hell no!

I: I will take that contract just to piss Diamond off.

ND: God kill me now.

FR: Oh and you can't quit Diamond; just so ya know.

ND: FUCK!

Inferno begins to laugh his ass off.

ND: Shut the fuck up you faggot!!

I: It's on!!!!

They begin to fight again.

JG: Sir, how are we gonna make up for the money that this fight was supposed to bring?

FR: That's taken care of. By popular demand, more people turned up to watch Inferno and Nick fight then for any of the fights.

JG: Good and so for Nick Diamond and Inferno this is Johnny Gomez saying: good fight; good night.

(Credits)

ND: Tune in next time where it will be an all viewer's choice episode!

Author note: WOW THAT SUCKED BALLS!!! Let the hate mail commence. Until I get more matches set up I will put this story on hiatus to concentrate on my masterpiece _The Cartoon Wars_. See you folks then.


	5. NEW MATCHES!

1CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

(It's that time again folks)

This is just an update on the current matches, I think I'll finally start this up again.

Viewer's Choice:

Matches:

1. Petey Piranha (Mario series) & Audrey II (from _Little Shop of Horrors) _vs. Dean Devlin & Roland Emmerich (Producer and director of the piece of shit 1998 movie _Godzilla_ and made a mockery of Japan's real Godzilla) (Actually a collaboration, my friend Andrew came up with Petey part, myself Audrey II, and Jared came up with those two idiots while watching _Robot Chicken)_

2. Mewtwo vs. Lucario (both from _Pokemon_) (Thanks to Jerry for this one and for the idea Mewtwo is pissed that he didn't get into Super Smash Bros. Brawl while Lucario did.)

Main Event: Control Freak (from _Teen Titans) _vs. King Leonidas (from _300_) in a battle of internet memes. (Thanks to my buddy Lance for this one)

Regular Episode:

Matches:

1. TBA (You can still help with this one.)

2. A massive 20 team fight of all the James Bond Henchmen (from the first 20 movies, NOT _Casino Royale)_

Main Event: Inferno vs. General Grievous

Video Game Episode:

Matches:

1. Sonic vs. Mario (Thanks to Eric32289 for idea)

2. Simon Belmont (Castlevania series) vs. Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil series) (Thanks to NintendoFanatic14 for this one)

Main Event: Link (Legend of Zelda series) vs. Prince of Persia (Sands of Time trilogy)


	6. Opening 2

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.

Note: This format is the old show (with Debbie Matenopoulos instead of Tally Wong) before MTV2 made it. (So just imagine the old voices, not the new ones)

THE FOLLOWING YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE (read) IS, IN FACT, FICTION. ANY SIMILARITIES TO ANY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD, IS COINCIDENTAL OR UNINTENTIONAL.

ANYWAY, IT'S JUST CLAY!

JG: Will a pair of plants put the pain on a pair of pussies? Can two psychic fighters think of a way to kill each other? And will a fat nerd hurt a mighty Spartan king? Find out tonight on-

_**CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH**_

(Cartoon, Anime, Movie Edition)

Johnny Gomez (JG): Hello folks and welcome to another sidesplitting episode of Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez-

Nick Diamond (ND): I'm Nick Diamond-

Inferno (I): and I'm bored.

ND: Sigh

JG: (Annoyed) He's Inferno. (With enthusiasm) And tonight we've got a hell of a show planned. Tell them about it Nick.

ND: Well Johnny, our first bout tonight will pit the evil singing sensation of Audrey II and the bad to the root Petey Piranha against Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich-

I: Can I burn something now?

ND: Oh Inferno just shut up.

I: Why don't you make me, puny human?

JG: Alright stop it you two, we're not going to do the same thing as last week. Our second match will pit two Pokemon-

Bill Cosby(BC): POKEYMON??

ND & I: Sigh

JG: Yes Bill, Pokemon. As I was saying, Mewtwo and Lucario will duke it out to find out who deserves to be in the next Super Smash Brothers video game.

ND: And for those of you who are wondering why Bill Cosby is up in the booth, our General Manager, Felix Rodriguez, has decided on having a famous celebrity come each week and act as our fourth announcer.

Felix, meanwhile, was in the ring.

Felix Rodriguez (FR): Yes Nick, I've decided that four is the perfect number.

JG: But we had four main characters after Stone Cold Steve Austin left.

ND: Yeah me, Johnny, Mills, and Ms. Slut Matenopoulos, weren't we enough?

FR: Yeah but the fans liked Inferno so I gave him a job. And now we're one card shy of a full deck. So gear up for fun times with some celebrities, or else I can make your life hell-.

Nick was about to open up his mouth.

FR: Even if you quit.

Nick shut his trap as Johnny continued with the matches.

JG: Our final match tonight, the main event, is a true battle of David and Goliath.

ND: That's right Johnny, Control Freak, the biggest nerd of them all, against King Leonidas, the Spartan with a tiny patience.

JG: That's not the references I had in mind Nick.

I: Both of the pitiful humans will be in the ring with some kind of weird devices around them.

JG: (Impressed) Wow Inferno very nice job.

I: Well since I have the job, I might as well start doing it. (Quietly) I still wish I was with the Royalty.

JG: Inferno is right, in the main event, the ring will have many giant pop up windows in them. Control Freak and Leonidas can touch these windows to gain the power of that particular internet meme or fad for those who don't understand the term.

ND: Some typical memes include: the O RLY owl, the Star Wars Kid, and the Over 9000 thing.

I: But first, let's start the beginning fight and hopefully someone will get burned.

That's where I'll typically stop it, even though I should just go on to the first fight.


	7. Plants vs Pussies

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Note: I won't do the whole Name (Initials) thing every chapter like last time, only when the main character is introduced.

JG: Let's go down to Debbie Matenopoulos, who is interviewing Dean Devlin and Rolland Emmerich as we speak.

Cut down to the movie men's locker room.

Debbie Matenopoulos (DM): Thanks Johnny, I'm here with movie producer Dean Devlin and director Rolland Emmerich, who are gearing up for their fight against the two killer plants.

Rolland is lounging in his chair while Dean crosses over, grabbing a water bottle.

DM: Excuse me Mr. Devlin! Could I speak to you for a minute?

Dean goes over to Debbie.

Dean: Why hello there Miss. What can I do for you?

DM: Yeah we're just about ready to start the-.

Rolland: Hey, movie producer Dean Devlin, I just got a call that TriStar wants US to do a remake of Ridley Scott's classic film _Alien_.

Dean: _Alien _huh? I can see it now, it'll star Will Ferrell as Ripley and Halle Berry as Ripley's cat!

Rolland: I like it! We can star Jack Black as the black guy, Parker and William Hung as a brand new character! A bad stereotype the audience will hate!

Dean: A guy who is only black in his name playing a black man and a racial stereotype? BRILLIANT! And, Oh! We'll have the Alien be a Hasidic Jew trying to get back to his planet of Jew aliens!

Rolland: That is great! Come here and we'll toast to our new success!

Dean ran over to Rolland and they both toasted a glass of wine.

DM: Um, Well back to you Johnny.

JG: Thanks Debbie. Nick why don't you tell the audience how this fight got started.

ND: Gladly Johnny, Well, Audrey II, after completing _Little Shop of Horrors_, was pissed that the director, Frank Oz, did not use the original sad ending where everyone dies because the test audience hated it. Audrey was so pissed that he convinced Petey to fight with him and they wanted to fight Frank but it ended up that Frank was rich enough that he hired someone else to go to the fight. But that person couldn't show up, so Frank tried everyone else until he came upon Dean and Rolland. When asked what they thought about it, they said this-

A video started playing of Dean and Rolland in two comfy chairs.

Dean: I'm glad Frank chose us for this job.

Rolland: _Ja, _this new shoot will be great. And what's best, we'll be on location and right close up.

I: Those fools don't know what they're in for do they?

JG: Hopefully not Inferno, hopefully not. And let's quickly send it back down to Debbie whose with our two plants. Debbie?

Cut back down to the plants locker room.

DM: Thanks again Johnny. I'm here with Petey Piranha who is getting ready for the big fight ahead. Petey, what is your strategy going in here?

Author note: Petey isn't his normal gigantic size, he's about the same size as Audrey II which is about 9 or 10 feet high.

Petey: (Growling, drooling, and licking sounds are all he makes so they will be translated but the others don't understand)(Well Debbie, we plan on going for the balls, I think those are their weak points, that or their wallets.)

DM: Um.

Petey: (What's the matter? Is it my breath?)

DM: Um.

Audrey II: Baby, you'll get nothing out of that. Come here and we'll talk.

Debbie moved closer to Audrey.

DM: So, um, Mister II, what do you plan on doing in the fight.

Audrey II: Well I don't know about the fight, honey, but right now I plan on having me some lunch!

Audrey tried to grab Debbie's arm with his vine but missed because she moved and accidently touched her breast.

DM: THAT'S IT! Stupid perverted plants, making weird noises and touching my boobs! I'm outta here!

She left the room in a huff to go wait to interview the next matches contestants.

Audrey II: (to Petey) Now look what ya done!

Petey: (What the fuck did I do?)

JG: Now we're ready to begin the match.

I: Finally, it seems like it's taken us forever.

The plants made their way out to the stage, as the movie people were already out there, sitting in their chairs labeled, producer and director, respectively.

JG: In the red corner, the singing, man-eating sensation, and goo spitting devastation, Petey Piranha and Audrey II!

Petey brought his leaves together and shook them back and forth to accept the applause. Audrey waved his vines out into the audience.

JG: And in the blue corner, they both do movies, and both make them suck, Dean Devlin and Rolland Emmerich!

They both waved to the audience as only one pair of hands applauded. Turns out the hands belonged to Bill Cosby.

BC: Whoo! Go jello-pudding! Dah!

The four fighters got in the center of the ring to hear last minute instructions.

Mills Lane (ML): Now I want a good, clean fight. Obey my commands at all times, and-.

He noticed that Audrey II was chewing.

ML: What have you got in your mouth?

Audrey II: Nothin'.

ML: Spit it out!

Mills held out his hand as Audrey reluctantly spit out what he was chewing on. It was someone's severed hand! Mills threw the hand behind him.

ML: Now let's get it on!

The bell rang as the plants moved closer to Dean and Rolland who had both sat back down in their chairs.

Rolland: Ok, now action! Ok now what scene are we filming?

Audrey II: You're filming the last scene of your life baby.

He laughed as Rolland stared at them with a confused look on his face.

Rolland: I don't get it, movie producer Dean Devlin.

Dean, who finally had got it, said.

Dean: I don't think this is a movie shoot Rolland, I think this is an actual fight! And WE'RE in it!

Rolland: Oh don't be so cra-.

Rolland screamed as he was pulled out of the chair by Audrey's vines.

Audrey II: Feed me Rolland! YOURSELF!

Rolland pulled a small knife out of his pocket as he sliced at one of Audrey's vines and fell out of grasp.

Rolland: How the hell did we get hooked up in this mess!

Dean: It was YOUR idea! You had to talk to Frank about remaking _Indian in the Cupboard _starring James Earl Jones!

Rolland: How did I know he'd hook us up in a match to save our lives?

Petey: (Shall I?)

Audrey II: Go ahead, man.

Petey shot a ball of goo straight at Rolland, who was too busy arguing with Dean to notice. The goo hit him and he screamed as it starting melting his body away.

Dean: Oh shit!

Dean tried to run when Audrey tripped him up. Audrey pulled him up by the feet and said.

Audrey II: Who wants me to sing my little song about myself to this little punk?

The audience howled with approval and applause.

Audrey II: Ok then, one song coming up.

One of Audrey's vines then went behind him and pressed a button on a boom box.

Dean: Please, just let me live!

Audrey II: _Better wait a minute. Ya better hold the phone._

_Better mind your manners. Better change your tone. _

_Don't you threaten me, son. Ya gotta lot of gall. _

_We gonna do things my way or we won't do things at all._

_You in trouble now! Baby!  
Ya don't know what you're messin' with. You got no idea.  
You don't know what you're lookin' at when you're lookin' here.  
Ya don't know what you're up against, no, no way, no how.  
You don't know what you're messin' with, but I'm gonna tell you now!_

Several of Audrey's pods serve as his back-up singers (Their lyrics will be in parenthesis and are usually sung as Audrey is singing): _(Ah-ah-ah-ah!)_

_  
_Audrey II: _(Get this straight!)  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm bad. (Mean, Green, Bad)  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and it looks like you been had.  
I'm just a mean (ah) green mother from (ah) outer space, so get off (ah) my back, 'n get out(ah) my face, 'cause I'm _

Pods and Audrey II: _mean and green _

Audrey II:_ and - I am - bad.  
Wanna save your skin, boy? You wanna save your hide?  
You wanna see tomorrow? You better step aside.  
Better take a tip, boy. Want some good advice?  
You better take it easy, 'cause you're walkin' on thin ice.  
Ya don't know what you're dealin' with. No, you never did.  
Ya don't know what you're lookin' at, but that's tough titty, kid!  
The lion don't sleep tonight, and if you pull his tail, he roars.  
Ya say, "That ain't fair?" Ya say, "That ain't nice?"  
Ya know what I say? "Up yours!" (Ah-ah-ah-ah!)  
(YEAH! Watch me now!)  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm bad. (Mean, Green, Bad)  
I'm just a mean green mother, a real disgrace, and you've got me fightin' mad.I'm just a mean (ah) green mother from (ah) outer space, gonna trash (ah) your ass, gonna rock (ah) this place, 'cause I'm _

Pods & Audrey II:_ mean and green _

Audrey II:_ and - I am - bad._

_(Mhm)  
You know I don't come from no black lagoon. (NO!)  
I'm from past the stars and beyond the moon. (YEAH!)  
You can keep the thing (HEY!), keep the it,(WHOA!)  
keep the creature, they don't mean shit.  
I got killer buds, a power stem,  
nasty thorns, and I'm usin' them  
So better move it out. Nature calls.  
You got the point? I'm gonna bust your balls!  
(Ah, ah, ah, ah.)  
I'm mean and green. (Mean green mother from outer space.)  
I'm mean and green. (Mean green mother from outer space.)  
I'm mean and green.  
And I - am - bad!_

Audrey II: Bye, bye Dean boy!

As Audrey had progress through the musical number, Dean had tried to get away many times but to no avail. Now Petey grabbed Dean's arms with his mouth, as Audrey pulled his legs. Both ends pulled as Dean screamed. He soon split apart at the stomach, spraying blood everywhere.

Audrey II: Suppertime!

He grabbed Dean's upper body and chomped down, eating the whole thing in one bite. He then spit out Dean's glasses and began drinking the blood pouring out of his severed legs.

ND: Well looks like Dean is out of it.

I: But it isn't over yet, look!

As Audrey was snaking, a flame shot out over at him, he ducked back but several of his vines were in the crossfire and got set aflame. Rolland, half eaten by the goo, was carrying a flamethrower and aiming it and Audrey II.

Rolland: I will make you pay for killing movie producer Dean Devlin.

He got ready to ignite the plant when Petey came up behind him and hit him in the face.

JG: Rolland's got a lot on his hands!

ND: And Audrey's got a lot on his plate.

Rolland ran towards Petey to punch him but Petey moved out of the way, causing Rolland to hit the ropes, causing him to fling back to Petey's awaiting leaf.

Petey hit Rolland when he came back with the full force of his leaf, knocking the flamethrower off his back and sending the screaming Rolland straight over to Audrey's open mouth. When he hit the target, Audrey closed his mouth.

Audrey II: Although their movies were crap, they tasted delicious.

Mills raised one of Petey's leaves and one of Audrey's vines.

ML: Petey Piranha and Audrey II are the winners!

ND: What an amazing and musical fight!

I: For once I actually have to agree with you Diamond.

JG: I agree with you too, what do you think Bill?

Bill is fast asleep and snoring but is woken up.

BC: What-wha-wha. Zip-zop-zoobity-bop! Jello!

He then falls back asleep.

JG: (Sigh) We'll be right back.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH


	8. Lucario Vs Mewtwo

Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing!

Note: Some of you are probably thinking, OMG HE FINALLY RETURNED TO THIS! Yeah, I did just for you, the fans (all 12 of you). Also, the Lucario is indeed the one to use telepathy.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

JG: Welcome back folks, we had one hell of a one-sided first fight, but here's what happened if you missed it -.

(Recap Screen begins to play)

JG: - Movie producers Rolland Emmerich and Dean Devlin took on the evil plant pair of Audrey II and Petey Piranha. The pair had no idea what they were in for and were spit on, sung to, torn in half, and eaten by the hungry plants.

(Recap Screen ends)

JG: Well Nick, Inferno, I hope our next match is just as exciting if not, more!

ND: With two psychics like our next two combatants, we can only hope for greatness.

I: Maybe they could conjure up some fire and BURN each other! HAHAHAHA!

ND (quietly): Yeah, maybe burn HIM.

I: What was that Diamond?

ND: Nothing.

JG: Well here we go with our second match. Want to explain our combatants history together Nick?

ND: Thanks Johnny. Well our next fight stems from a conflict between two Pokemon-.

BC: POKEYMAN?

Everyone else sighed as Cosby had woken up again.

I: You stupid moron. No one likes you so shut up!

BC: What was that you said about jello-puddin' pops Albert?

Inferno smacked his had against his face and sighed again.

ND: Anyway, as I was saying, this next fight started all because of a video game. Mewtwo, having been a playable character in Super Smash Brothers Melee, assumed he would make it into the next game, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, but when it turned out that he was cut out alone with all the clone characters he wouldn't stand for it. He instantly found his "replacement" Lucario and decided to settle it in Celebrity Deathmatch style.

I: Go down to the damn ring already!

JG: In the blue corner, the psychic master of created disaster, Mewtwo!

Mewtwo: Humph, you didn't have to put it THAT way!

JG: And in the red corner, the thing that looks like the Egyptian god Anubis - Lucario!

Lucario: Thank you, I know I'm awesome. Isn't it wonderful?

ML: Okay you two chuckleheads listen up-.

Mewtwo: I want a good, clean fight, no hitting below the belt, and obey my commands at all times, yes I KNOW all of that, I'm not the best psychic Pokemon for nothing.

Lucario: Yeah, start the match grandpa.

Mewtwo: You shut up! You're not even a psychic, your some stupid fighting/steel type.

Lucario: Yet I still have telepathy, proving that you don't have to a legendary Pokemon to speak, huh OLD MAN?

Mewtwo: What did you call me?

ML: Let's stop bullshitting and let's get it on!

Mewtwo instantly yelled and launched a Shadow Orb at Lucario who deflected it with ease.

Lucario: Such a Generation I move, this is how we in Generation IV do things.

He charged up an Aura Sphere and launched it straight at Mewtwo. Mewtwo was hit and flew back against the ropes. Lucario laughed and tried launching a second Aura Sphere at Mewtwo. Mewtwo this time used a Confusion attack to deflect the attack right back at Lucario. This caused Lucario to move back several steps.

Mewtwo: I still have some surprises for YOU you stupid piece of shit.

He then used telekinesis to lift Lucario up and tossed him down into the ring.

JG: OOO that HAD to hurt! What's this? Lucario is getting back up.

Lucario indeed got back up and proceeded to continually punch Mewtwo.

Lucario (in between punches): Take-this-you-stupid-old-man!

Lucario then kicked Mewtwo in the face, sending him down on the canvas.

Lucario: As you can see, old man, I'm the younger generation, perfect in every possible way.

ND: Well it appears Lucario likes the excessive use of smack talk.

I: It may just end up biting him on his blue, furry ass.

JG: We'll see, Inferno.

ND: Yeah, you were wrong about the Grievous fight last week.

I: You be quiet!

Lucario went in towards Mewtwo for the kill but was instantly sent backwards thanks to a telekinetic attack.

JG: Mewtwo was just feigning injury! What a move!

Mewtwo then lifted Lucario off the ground telekinetically, and charged a massive Shadow Orb in his hands.

Mewtwo: Any last words, cockhead?

Lucario simply chuckled.

Lucario: Don't you know anything, old man? My attacks and I only get stronger the more damage I take!

Lucario then launched an Aura Sphere at Mewtwo, knocking him down again. As Mewtwo struggled to get up, Lucario smiled evilly and unleashed a Force Palm at the beleaguered Mewtwo, launching him back against the ropes. Lucario smiled again.

Lucario: It's over!

He then used Double Team to teleport behind the catapulting Mewtwo and kicked him with full force, sending him to the canvas again. Mewtwo, beaten and bloody, tried to get up, only to fall flat to the canvas.

Lucario: Well, that does it for you, old man. Now to unleash my Final Smash and end your ass. Oh and by the way, I'll have fun holding your spot in future Super Smash Brothers games, 24th.

Mewtwo angrily glared up at Lucario.

Mewtwo: WHAT did you call me?

Lucario: 24th, like your latest tier placement puts you. For the record, I'm beating you there too, I'm 11th in MY tier.

Mewtwo (angry): Tiers are for QUEERS!

Mewtwo unleashed a psychic blast sending Lucario backwards.

Lucario: What the hell?

Mewtwo now angrily hovered towards Lucario, bent on revenge.

Mewtwo: NEVER say the 't' word around ME!

Lucario was amazed that his adversary could still stand but simply chuckled in response.

Lucario: Watch the power of Aura!

He then unleashed his Aura Storm attack straight at Mewtwo, causing him to vanish in the beam. The beam continued into the stands, taking out a portion of the wall.

JG: Oh my god! He just vaporized a portion of the audience!

Lucario smiled as the beam died down. However, his pleased look changed to one of fear. Mewtwo was still floating in his same position, completely unhurt.

Lucario: What? How did-?

Mewtwo: Leave those crappy Dragon Ball Z moves to the professionals.

Mewtwo then launched his Shadow Orb that he had been holding the whole match. It smacked into Lucario, bruising him further. Mewtwo then lifted his body up off the ground.

Lucario: What are you gonna do to me you stupid spoon bender?

Mewtwo: Spoon? That's a good idea.

Mewtwo then smiled vilely and used telekinesis on his helpless victim. Instantly, Lucario screamed as his back was bent backwards passed its tolerance, completely shattering his spine, much like a spoon after it has been bent back. Lucario's body dropped to the floor with a splat and he unsuccessfully tried to move. He only could move his neck.

Lucario: I can't move!

Mewtwo: Good.

Lucario looked up only to see a massive 1 ton weight floating in the air above his head. He still tried to move to no avail.

Lucario: Aw come on ref! That's gotta be illegal!

ML: I'll allow it!

Lucario: Hey, h-hey Mewtwo buddy. W-we can work something out can't we?

Mewtwo: Hmph, where are your tiers now? Oh and don't worry, I'll have fun in the next Super Smash Brothers game-.

Mewtwo then let the 1 ton weight drop on the screaming Lucario's head, splattering it into a bloody pulp underneath the weight.

Mewtwo: -old man.

Mills came over and raised Mewtwo's hand.

ML: Mewtwo is the winner!

JG: Well I guess that proves you can't count the old out of the fight isn't that right Bill?

BC (sleepily): Oh yeah-jello.

Inferno growled and jumped out of his seat to destroy Cosby, but he was quickly restrained by Johnny and Nick.

ND: Come back for own main event Control Freak vs. King Leonidas in just a minute.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

Closing Schedule: Since I've decided to do this again, I'm happy to say that people have given me many match ideas and guest hosts. Thank you to all that have helped in this process and please continue to do so!

Next Episode

Regular Episode (Guest host - M. Night Shyamalan)

1. Ginyu Force vs. Dethklok (Guest referee - Iruka Umino)

2. 22 Team James Bond Henchmen battle (I've decided to have ALL the henchmen from all 22 official movies now, since I lost the original copy of the fight)

Main Event. Inferno vs. Grievous

Video Game Episode (Guest host - Mentok the Mind-taker)

1. Sonic vs. Mario (the Mario ? Mark blocks will be throughout the ring and will contain items from both game franchises)

2. Simon Belmont vs. Leon Kennedy

Main Event. Link vs. Prince of Persia (Sands of Time)

Regular Episode (Guest host - Maximillion Pegasus)

1. Xana vs. GLaDOS

2. Tom vs. Jerry (the ring is designed like a house)

Main Event. Yugi Muto vs. Seto Kaiba

Regular Episode (Guest host - Professor Oak)

1. Doc Brown and Marty McFly vs. William "Bill" S. Preston Esq. and Theodore "Ted" Logan

2. Gwen Tennyson vs. Raven

Main Event. Jessie & James vs. Butch & Cassidy (the ring is designed like a Pokemon Stadium)

Regular Episode (Guest host - Grim)

1. Plankton vs. Mr. Krabs

2. Might Guy & Rock Lee vs. Rex Raptor & Weevil Underwood (the ring is set up in a Ninja environment like Naruto)

Main Event. All 21 main characters in Happy Tree Friends will be in a two-team brawl

Harry Potter vs. Star Wars Episode (Guest host - Chef (South Park))

1. Darth Vader vs. Voldemort

2. Dolores Umbridge vs. Jar Jar Binks

Main Event. Dumbledore vs. Yoda (Guest referee - Mr. Kesuke Miyagi)

Tag-Team Episode (Guest host - Bender)

1. James Bond & Indiana Jones vs. Solid Snake & Gordon Freeman (all of their equipment has been flipped around and given to someone else)

2. The Fam Guy 6 (Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie, Brian) vs. The Simpson Five (Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie)

Main Event. 4 way massive Lego Character Battle (All the characters from the video games Lego Star Wars vs. Lego Batman vs. Lego Indiana Jones vs. Lego Harry Potter)

Fandemonium 2010 (Guest host - TBA)

1. TBA

2. TBA

Main Event. TBA

Ending Note: As you can see fans, you can help with the next Fandemonium! And keep requesting matches and guest hosts (the guest hosts can be real or fictional).


	9. Control Freak vs King Leonidas

Disclaimer: I don't own fuckin' shit.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

JG: Welcome back folks!

ND: Time for the main event.

I: Some stupid, fat nerd vs. a mighty Spartan king.

JG: That was good guys, maybe we can make a good team after all.

ND: Wait, there's something missing.

Nick and Johnny looked over at the fourth chair, which was now empty. They then looked straight at Inferno who had a smug smile on his face.

ND: Ok, what did you do with him?

I: I don't know what you mean, Diamond, I've just been sitting here innocently for the whole commercial break.

JG: You DIDN'T?

I: No, I didn't BURN him, I decided of a better place for him to be.

ND: So where is he?

I: You'll see.

JG: Well, let's head to the locker rooms with Debbie Matenopoulos.

Cut down to Control Freak's room.

DM: Thanks, Johnny. I'm here with our first contestant of the fight, one Mr. Control Freak.

Control Freak: Yes, it is I, Control Freak! Sworn archenemy of the Teen Titans and collector of rare artifacts like one of the original copies of Warp Trek V filmed on 78mm.

Control Freak held up his prized possession and then instantly slipped it back into its nice, cozy spot on his outfit.

DM: Um, yeah, well what made you set up the match tonight?

Control Freak: Well, I was upset that "This is Sparta!" was becoming such an Internet phenomenon, that and I didn't really much care for the movie 300.

DM: So…you set up the match because you are a big, fat nerd who didn't get what he wanted?

Control Freak pondered for a second.

Control Freak: Yeah, that's basically it.

DM: Well, Johnny, Inferno, you heard it from down here, back up to you two.

ND: That stupid bitch didn't even acknowledge me! I'll kill her!

Nick instantly tried to rush down but was quickly restrained by Johnny and Inferno.

JG: We tried to get Debbie in with an interview with King Leonidas, but it didn't turn out the same.

Cut down to a recording of Debbie outside Leonidas's room. As Debbie knocks on the door, only pleasurable moaning is heard on the other side.

DM: Um, Mr. Leonidas.

As she tries again, the moaning only gets even louder and objects on the wall even started to move from the intensity. Debbie only gave the "cut" sign and the cameraman stopped rolling.

I: I'll never understand you humans and your desire to share bodily fluids.

JG:….Yeah, well now we'll go down to the ring where our technicians have finished placing our special pop up windows around the ring.

ND: Each of these pop up windows, when touched will grant that person who touched it a particular internet fad to use at their disposal.

JG: Wait, that last window is falling!

Indeed, the last window that was being lifted in fell out of the crew's hands and crashed onto the floor. Out of the shattered window popped a giant fire-breathing O RLY owl. It instantly roared and flew around the ring. People began to flee as the owl breathed its fire, killing several sections of the audience. Inferno ignited his jets and flew upwards towards the owl. The owl screeched at him and breathed its fire. Inferno simply flew around the flames and fire one of his guns at the owl. The owl burst into flames and fell down into the floor. Instantly a vendor came over, placed a sign that said $25 in front of the charred owl corpse.

Vendor: Get your fried owl here!

Inferno sat back down in his chair next to an amazed Johnny and Nick.

I: Well, can we get on with this?

JG: Uh…..right, let's go down to the ring where both of our competitors are geared up and ready to fight.

Down in the ring, King Leonidas was prepared in his full Spartan battle outfit while Control Freak simply jogged in place and practiced punching the air. Mills ushered them both to the center.

ML: Now I want a good, clean fight and no cheating. That includes YOU tubby.

Control Freak: Hey!

ML: Alright, let's get it on!

Leonidas turned around and looked at the rest of his Spartan troops that were sitting in the audience.

Leonidas: Spartans! I will bring swift and glorious victory to our nation!

Spartans: HA-OOH!

Control Freak simply snorted at the battle cry.

Control Freak: I have brought an audience as well, my online friends!

He turned around and showed Leonidas that there were several laptops in the audience. Control Freak's online chat room buddies were watching the fight at their houses via webcams.

Control Freak: What do you think of that?

Leonidas and the Spartans simply laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Leonidas: You think you can best me, little man?

Leonidas then raised his shield, aimed his spear and charged at Control Freak with a yell. Control Freak simply clicked a pop up window next to him and pulled Tay Zonday out of the window who was busy singing "Chocolate Rain". Zonday was impaled by the spear and groaned at the pain. Leonidas was aghast at the sight.

Leonidas: What sorcery is this?

Control Freak: The sorcery of the Internet, my good man.

Control Freak then touched another screen and a massive stream of something launched out a Leonidas, sending him flying backwards causing him to drop his shield and spear.

JG: OH it looks like Control Freak found with pop up window with the Coke and Mentos experiment behind it.

Control Freak pressed several more pop up windows and out popped the "Ask a Ninja" Ninja and "Numa Numa" dancer Gary Brolsma. Leonidas staggered back up and decided it was time to call some help of his own.

Leonidas: TWO can play at your game!

Leonidas pressed a few pop up screens but all that popped out were Fred Figglehorn (from YouTube) and "General" Larry Platt (singer of "Pants on the Ground").

Control Freak: Pathetic! Attack, my men!

Instantly Gary ran over and started beating on Platt while the Ninja simply took out his sword and, with a slice, took the screaming Fred's head off.

ND: Unless Leonidas can turn things around, it looks like Control Freak may actually get away with this one, Johnny!

JG: No doubt Nick.

Control Freak then pressed another pop up and pulled out a Giant Enemy Crab. Gary, after punching Platt to death, helped the Ninja in restraining Leonidas.

Control Freak: Any last words, Nimrod?

Leonidas: You're an idiot.

Leonidas then used his sheer muscle power to force Gary and the Ninja off of him. With one fluid motion, he took out his Spartan sword and chopped off the head of the Ninja. Control Freak simply growled.

Control Freak: I should have KNOWN that from watching _Deadliest Warrior_!

Leonidas then stabbed Gary in the chest and kicked him backwards. He then ran forwards and slid underneath the Giant Enemy Crab as it tried to pinch his head. Leonidas sliced at the underbelly and cut it to ribbons. As Leonidas got out from under it, the Giant Enemy Crab fell down, dead.

Control Freak: Damn him! He attacked its weak point for massive damage!

Leonidas then turned his attention towards Control Freak.

Leonidas: No more games, we will end this now!

Control Freak: I couldn't agree more with you.

Control Freak smiled and pressed another pop up, out of which popped several LOLcats. They charged Leonidas and overpowered him. Instead of killing him, the cats tied him up in a chair and presented him to Control Freak.

Leonidas: What is this now?

Control Freak: I'm gonna show you one of the most sickening things ever put on the World Wide Web.

He pressed another pop up window, and the 2 Girls 1 Cup video began to play.

JG: Oh my god! Leonidas might not survive the atrocities of that video!

I: It can't be THAT bad.

ND: Trust us, Inferno, it IS that bad.

Leonidas, as the video progressed, began to vomit profusely.

Leonidas: Only the demons of hell could have spawned such evilness!

After vomiting again, Leonidas quickly broke his binds and instantly punched the pop up window, turning off the video.

Control Freak: Impossible! He should at least be weakened!

Leonidas then proceeded to tear the LOLcats to pieces while Control Freak ran away like a scared dog. As Leonidas tore the head off the last cat and retrieved his sword, he looked around for his enemy.

Leonidas: Control Freak! Come out you stupid coward! Where are you?

Control Freak: Right here!

Leonidas turned around to see Control Freak dressed up like the Star Wars Kid, complete with a lightsaber. He started to swing widely as he ran up towards Leonidas. Leonidas simply stared at the stupidity, but only ended up with his left arm being taken off by the wild swinging. Leonidas winced from the pain.

Control Freak: I'm gonna take you apart, piece by piece!

Leonidas was now playing defense again. He quickly touched another pop up, which was the Prison "Thriller" dance and one of the prisoners popped out of it. Leonidas sliced his sword and cut off the prisoners arm. The prisoner screamed as he fell to the ground staring at where his arm had been. Leonidas grabbed the chopped off arm and stuck it on himself. He quickly twisted it around to make sure it worked and raised his weapon.

JG: Very smart thinking of Leonidas.

ND: Yeah, Johnny, it was "handy" of him.

I: AARGH!

Control Freak smiled and then ran at Leonidas again, swinging as wildly as before. This time, however, Leonidas stabbed his sword, impaling Control Freak in the chest, causing him to fall down to the floor, dropping his weapon.

Leonidas: Now it is time to end things, FOR SPARTA!

Control Freak: See, this is exactly WHY I wanted to fight him.

Leonidas touched another pop up and smiled himself. Control Freak crawled away to the closest pop up and touched it only to be given a scouter. Control Freak placed the scouter over his eye and read it.

Control Freak: Whatever he just grabbed, it's power level is OVER 9000!

Control Freak crushed the scouter in his hands while Nappa popped out of nowhere.

Nappa: What 9000?

Control Freak glared at Nappa while he ran away. Foreseeing his doom, Control Freak began to crawl towards another pop up as Leonidas slowly walked towards him. Control Freak reached out his hands and touched the pop up. Smiling evilly and expecting to receive some great help, Control Freak's smile faded when Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" started playing.

Control Freak: God damn Rickroll!

Leonidas only smiled and withdrew his sword out of Control Freak.

Leonidas: All I can say is, IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!

Leonidas's face changed to the big, red lips and the massive eyes. He then fired a massive Shoop da Whoop straight at the screaming Control Freak, vaporizing him completely. After the blast, Mills came over and raised Leonidas's hand.

ML: King Leonidas is the winner!

Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!

JG: Well, what a great fight that was, folks!

I: Meh, I've seen better.

ND: By the way, what did you do with Cosby, Inferno?

I: I sent him to a SPECIAL someone.

Far away, a person knocked on a door labeled "General Grievous".

Grievous: What IS it?

Assistant: Gift addressed to you, sir.

Grievous: Very well, bring it in here.

The assistant brought the large, wrapped gift into the room and left. Curious, Grievous opened the box only to have Bill Cosby inside.

BC: I had an uncle named Stewie, and he sold bicycles! He used to go koo-koo-kichoo!

Grievous screamed in terror at the annoying, aged comedian.

Back at the Deathmatch arena, Inferno could only smiled at what he had done.

I: Heh, heh, heh, douche.

JG: Thanks for tuning in folks! I'm Johnny Gomez-.

ND: -I'm Nick Diamond-.

I: And I serve the Royalty!

JG: Saying: good fight; good night

(Credits)

ND: Tune in next week to watch the Ginyu Force take on Dethklok, a 22 team battle royale with all the James Bond henchmen, and our own Inferno take on General Grievous here on Celebrity Deathmatch.


	10. Opening 3

Disclaimer:…..Still don't own anything.

THE FOLLOWING YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE (read) IS, IN FACT, FICTION, ANY SIMILARITIES TO ANY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD, IS COINCIDENTAL OR UNINTENTIONAL.

ANYWAY, IT'S JUST CLAY!

JG: Can a death metal band put the hurt on a top notch fighting force? Who will emerge victorious in our 22 team James Bond Henchmen Battle Royale? And will our insane fire ant take out the robotic General? Find out tonight on-

_**CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH**_

(Cartoon, Anime, Movie Edition)

Johnny Gomez (JG): Hello folks and welcome to another death inducing episode of Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez-

Nick Diamond (ND): -and I'm Nick Diamond. I'm very excited for the fights tonight, Johnny!

JG: I can tell. For those of you wondering why Nick is so happy, we gave our co-anchor, Inferno, the night off so he can prepare for his big fight tonight against General Grievous.

M. Night Shyamalan: What a tweest!

Nick sighed heavily.

JG: As you can see, our guest co-anchor for tonight is director M. Night Shyamalan.

M. Night: I'm excited to be here tonight guys! I hope to put lots of tweests on things tonight!

Nick again sighed and pounded his head into the table.

JG: Well, we can only hope so.

ND: God I hate my job.

JG: Um want to tell them about what's on our fight card for tonight, Nick?

ND: Sure, Johnny. First we have popular death metal band Dethklok taking on the Ginyu Force in a battle to determine who is more "badass", as our combatants put it. They will have a fan requested guest referee in the form of Iruka Unimo.

JG: Our second fight is something rather special and unique. Every henchmen from the 22 official James Bond movies is here tonight and will be battling in a massive 22 team battle for the title of Ultimate Henchman. It will be the most combatants we have ever had in a Deathmatch, at 134 fighters.

M. Night: WHAT A TWEEST!

ND: Ok, THAT DOES IT! I can't stand this stupid moron!

Nick, in rage, shoved M. Night off his announcer's chair and let him fall to the concrete below.

JG: Nick, what did you do?

ND: I got rid of an annoying co-host.

JG: Oh, okay. And our main event, as I've already said, will pit our own Inferno against General Grievous. For those who are not aware, let's take you back to two weeks ago when this rivalry began.

(The flashback tape begins to play)

JG: Two weeks ago, we had our fight between the kids of Ed, Edd, n Eddy and General Grievous. Inferno did not like Grievous from the start, calling him several names before the match even started. He continued to insult him during the match. After the match appeared to be over, Inferno still had several choice words for him. He challenged Grievous to a match which the General accepted.

(Flashback tape ends)

JG: Well, for now, let's get back to our first fight of the night.

ND: Oh yes, Johnny, what an amazing fight we have in store for the fans tonight! The 5 man band of Dethklok will be taking on the 5 man fighting squad that is the Ginyu Force. But how did this fight start Johnny?

JG: Well, Nick, apparently Dethklok were at Mordhaus, their citadel, simply watching TV, when front man Nathan Explosion stopped on a particular anime named Dragon Ball Z. On the show, they watched the ridiculousness of the Ginyu Force with their poses and stupid wagers. So, Nathan decided that they should fight them in order to restore the balance of "metal" the Ginyu Force broke by their very existence.

ND: And let's go down to the ring.

Closing Note: I know this is a stupid place to end, but I want consistency between episodes.


	11. Ginyu Force vs Dethklok

Disclaimer: I don't own a DAYUM thing!

JG: Here comes Dethklok making a spectacular entrance as always.

Dethklok enters with much fire and brimstone, killing several audience members that are close to the flames.

JG: OOH! Look out for those flames, Nick!

ND: The same can't be said for those poor fans, Johnny. Good thing they signed their waivers.

JG: And here comes the Ginyu Force, acting as….flamboyant as usual.

The Ginyu Force zooms into the ring and strikes their signature ridiculous pose.

ND: I think Dethklok has their work cut out for them this time.

JG: How so, Nick?

ND: Well for one thing, if I remember right, the Ginyu Force are fast moving and have their weird anime attacks correct?

JG: You may be right Nick. Well, let's go down to the ring where our special guest referee Iruka Umino will start the match.

Captain Ginyu looked over his other four companions (Jeice, Burter, Recoome, and Guldo) and gave them orders.

Ginyu: Make sure you destroy every last bit of them.

Others: YEAH!

At the opposite end of the ring, Nathan Explosion gave his other four band mates (Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Pickles, William Murderface, and Toki Wartooth) a talking down as well.

Nathan: All right guys, we're doing this for all that is metal.

Murderface: Can I have some booze now?

Nathan: NO you piece of shit ass, dick munch.

Pickles: Heh, that he does.

Murderface: Hey shut up dickwad!

Captain Ginyu noticed they were having trouble from across the ring.

Ginyu: Easy win, boys!

Iruka Umino then called both teams to the center to start the fight.

Iruka: Alright you clowns, let's start this to see who is more "badass".

Guldo started to make faces at Dethklok while Recoome flipped them off and laughed. Instantly, Skwisgaar reached out his hand and ripped the finger right off of Recoome, causing the big guy to back away in pain and started to sob. Ginyu angrily kicked him to get up.

Iruka: Let us commence!

Ginyu: Alright team, let's decide who will take them out!

The five members instantly ducked down (except for the shortest, Guldo) and began a game of rock-paper-scissors. Nathan, Murderface, Toki, and Pickles simply stared at this in disbelief while Skwisgaar fiddled around some on his guitar (which he had carried with him all the way into the ring).

Nathan: THIS is why I hate them! They do this shit all the time!

With a yell, Nathan instantly ran towards them and hopped on Jeice's back and started to pound his head mercilessly.

Jeice: OI! Let go of me you stupid blighter!

JG: And Nathan Explosion has started off this fight, Nick.

ND: Uh oh, it looks like the rest of the Force is trying to help him out.

Indeed, Recoome and Burter came to the aid of their partner and threw Nathan off of Jeice.

Recoome: Goodbye stupid.

Burter: You've sung you're last note, Explosion!

Recoome and Burter started to charge up ki blasts when they heard some amazing guitar playing coming from Skwisgaar who was helping his teammate out. They instantly stopped charging their attacks and stared with awe at the sight.

Burter: It's amazing!

Recoome: It's like an angel! It makes me want to arm wrestle!

While they were distracted, Nathan jumped on Burter's back and started to pound him. In the background, Murderface had begun to beat on Jeice while Pickles started to beat on Captain Ginyu with his drum sticks. Toki simply stood looking at Guldo.

Toki: Ooh, you's just a littles ones aren't yous?

Guldo: Little! I'll show you!

Guldo then instantly held his breath, causing time to stop for the entire arena. He then proceeded to punch Toki several times before starting to breathe again. Toki now felt the punches and went down to the canvas.

ND: What just happened, Johnny?

JG: It's that little Guldo's special attack. By holding his breath, he can stop time dead in its tracks! It might prove very deadly here.

M. Night: WHAT A TWEEST!

ND: Who let you back up here?

Nick then pushed M. Night off again, sending him down to the concrete again.

Back in the ring, Pickles continued to pound his drumsticks against Captain Ginyu.

Pickles: I must say, man, your hollow head is much better to use then a drum.

Ginyu: Why, you!

Ginyu then grabbed Pickles and threw him into a corner turnbuckle. While this happened, Jeice now began to beat on Murderface.

Jeice: They don't call me the Red Magma for nothin', mate.

Murderface: Really, I thought they called you the Crimson Inferno.

Jeice (smiling): Depends on which dub you listen to, mate.

Murderface: Maybe they should just call you the Blood Red.

At that moment, Murderface turned around, revealing he had some bass guitar strings in his hands. He wrapped the strings around Jeice's leg and began to cut into his leg by moving back and forth extremely fast. Jeice howled at the pain and dropped to the ground. Murderface then wrapped the strings around Jeice's neck and began to do the same thing.

Murderface: Shh, it's almost over.

Jeice tried to remove the bass guitar strings from his neck to no avail. His hands dropped to his side after Murderface cut deep into his neck, causing his neck to bleed. Murderface let his dead victim go, letting him splat against the canvas, his blood still spilling out.

Murderface: Ew, I think I got some of his shitty blood on my foot!

ND: We have our first kill, Johnny!

JG: Murderface executes Jeice and quickly brings Dethklok into the lead!

Toki now beat on Guldo, kicking and punching him into the ground. Trying to get a reprieve, Guldo used his other special move and stopped Toki dead in his tracks.

Toki: What the? I can'ts moves!

Guldo: That's the idea, idiot!

Guldo then began to laugh as he charged up a ki blast. Meanwhile, Recoome was still being mystified by Skwisgaar's amazing guitar playing.

Recoome: Duh, what type of man are you?

Skwisgaar: I'ms no man, I'ms a god!

He then played an amazing riff and a fast solo, astounding Recoome even further.

Recoome: I can't take it anymore, it is too awesome!

Recoome, due to his goofy nature, could not stand Skwisgaar's guitar playing anymore. He screamed and proceeded to tear out his eyeballs with his hands. Recoome then punched his chest repeatedly to crack his armor open. Using his bare strength, he ripped open his own chest and pulled his beating heart out of his body. As his heart beat one more time, Recoome fell backwards onto the canvas.

ND: That's two down!

Ginyu, angry that two of his comrades were dead, stopped going after Pickles and zoomed over to Skwisgaar.

Ginyu: Hmph. You're no god.

Ginyu then launched a ki blast into Skwisgaar, launching straight through him zooming into the crowd. Skwisgaar simply looked down at the hole in his body.

Skwisgaar: Damns, I guess I AMS a man.

His eyes then rolled into the back of his head and he fell over, dead.

JG: Ooo, what a quick retaliation by Captain Ginyu, it is now a 4-3 match up.

Nathan, Toki, and Pickles: Skwisgaar!

Murderface: Guy whose mom I want to bang!

Over by Toki, Guldo smiled evilly as he charged his ki blast, ready to destroy the helpless Toki. He suddenly was tapped on the shoulder. Guldo let up his charging attack and turned around to see Pickles.

Pickles: Pardon me, would ya mind holdin' these?

Pickles then rammed his drumsticks into Guldo's extra two eyes, causing him to scream in pain. Pickles then proceeded to beat on Guldo even more.

Meanwhile, Nathan was still on Burter's back, head butting his back and kicking him as much as possible.

Burter: Get off me damn it!

Nathan: Not while you are still alive you fucking metal pansy!

Murderface, after picking up Skwisgaar's guitar ran over to join in on the Guldo beating. He then gave the guitar to Pickles.

Murderface: I think you might want to use this.

Pickles: Thanks man.

Pickles then slammed the guitar into Guldo's face, slicing it up even further.

Guldo: Ow.

Guldo then dropped to the ground. Pickles was confident to walk away and dropped the guitar. Murderface, however, was not so content.

Pickles: Come on, man, leave him, he's dead already.

Murderface: I'll leave him when I feel like it!

Murderface then jumped straight onto Guldo's face, crushing it into a pile of blood and brain chunks.

Murderface: Ok, NOW I feel fine. Ew, frog shit all over my shoes.

They both walked away as they left Toki still frozen (Toki not realizing he could move now).

Toki: Um, guys? Guys could yous help mes? Hello?

ND: The Ginyu Force only has two more teammates left, Johnny. Dethklok may actually win this thing.

JG: This is not turning out how we thought it would, but it's a hell of a great fight.

Captain Ginyu, noticing Guldo's demise, sighed at the ineffectiveness of his squad.

Ginyu: Burter, get ready for our secret attack!

Burter: Yes sir!

Burter then finally shoved Nathan off his back and sped away, zooming right passed Toki who had finally figured out he was unfrozen.

Toki: Wow, I feels wierds.

Toki's body then fell apart into pieces.

Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface: Toki!

JG: Oh my god! Burter was moving so fast he tore Toki to pieces as he went passed him!

ND: Maybe we can't count the Ginyu Force out of this just yet, Johnny!

Ginyu then stood in the middle of the ring with the remaining three Dethklok members surrounding him. Nathan picked up the guitar and wielded it like an axe.

Nathan: You're teammate abandoned you, Ginyu.

Murderface: Yeah, prepared to get your ass whupped!

Ginyu: He'll be back, but right now I want to have some fun with you.

JG: Ginyu looks cornered, but does he have something up his sleeve?

Ginyu (smiling): CHANGE NOW!

Using his Body Change technique, Ginyu instantly switched bodies with Murderface. Nathan and Pickles closed in on Murderface in Ginyu's body. Pickles got ready to hit him and Nathan raised the guitar when Murderface noticed what had happened.

Murderface (in Ginyu's body): Wait you guys! Don't hurt me! I'm in Ginyu's body!

Nathan and Pickles looked at each other and then simply shrugged. They then still proceeded to beat the tar out of Murderface. Nathan brought the guitar down on Murderface's neck, shattering it and killing him. They then turned on Ginyu who still smiled evilly. They charged him as Ginyu did his Body Change technique again.

Ginyu (in Murderface's body): CHANGE NOW!

Instantly he changed bodies with the only other person in the ring, Iruka Umino. Nathan and Pickles got ready to attack again, but were being pleaded by Iruka this time.

Iruka (in Murderface's body): Don't do it, I'm not Ginyu! Plus I'm one of the most popular characters in Naruto!

Nathan: We really don't give a shit.

Pickles: Yeah, we hate that show, it's fuckin' gay!

The two then proceeded to beat the screaming Iruka senseless, breaking the guitar on Murderface's former body. Nathan then stabbed the broken guitar head into Iruka's mouth, killing him as well.

JG: There goes our special guest ref.

ND: And just like that, the Ginyu Force is back in the game.

JD: I see Ginyu's attack plan now, Nick. He'll use his Body Change move to trick Dethklok into killing their own members. And now, with him in Iruka's body, who KNOWS what will happen!

Pickles and Nathan approached Ginyu again, now ready for his Body Change attack.

Ginyu (in Iruka's body): You think I will change out of THIS body? Not with all that this fool can do!

Ginyu then instantly disappeared and reappeared on the outside of the ropes. Pickles and Nathan tried to walk towards him when Ginyu held his hand out to stop them.

Ginyu (in Iruka's body): I wouldn't do that, I just used one of this guys best attacks. You'll notice that at your feet are several tags. If you even move, the tags will explode, taking you with them!

ND: It appears that Ginyu has sealed Dethklok's fate, Johnny! They would need a miracle to get out of this!

Just then, Burter came zooming out of nowhere.

Burter: You killed the Captain you bastards!

Burter then lifted Pickles and Nathan up with his hands, out of the exploding area.

Ginyu (in Iruka's body): Burter you stupid idiot! I told you that our "secret attack" consisted of me switching bodies with people and causing them to kill each other! Why did you have to ruin it!

Burter instantly dropped Pickles and Nathan safely out of the ring then landed by Ginyu.

Burter: Sorry, sir. Let's get them now!

Ginyu (in Iruka's body): Good, fly me a little closer, this body can't fly.

Burter then grabbed Ginyu and dropped him closer to where Pickles and Nathan were. Burter let Ginyu down, then came down himself.

Ginyu (in Iruka's body): Now-.

Ginyu then looked down to see that Burter had deposited them both in the exact spot where Dethklok had been only moments before, with the explosive tags at their feet. Ginyu only looked angrily at Burter.

Ginyu (in Iruka's body): Burter, you're a fucking idiot!

There then was an explosion, and bits of Ginyu and Burter rained down upon the crowd.

Nathan: Now THAT was fuckin' metal!

Pickles: You got dat right, man.

JG: Amazing! The Ginyu Force's own stupidity brought about its end! And Dethklok pulls this match out of the bag!

ND: What a great fight!

JG: You've got that right, Nick, and don't go away! After the break, we'll have our 22 team James Bond Henchmen battle royale!

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH


	12. James Bond Henchmen Battle Royale

Disclaimer: If I owned anything, I would be rich as hell!

Note: There are descriptions of each henchmen on Wikipedia for those many of you who do not know the lesser known henchmen of James Bond.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

JG: Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch folks.

ND: If you're just tuning in, you're in for a special treat indeed!

JG: Right you are, Nick. We have every single henchmen from the 22 Official James Bond films. We will have a whopping 134 person match, the most EVER in a Deathmatch.

ND: Johnny it seems as though many people came for this fight in particular and I hope they are not disappointed!

The camera zoomed out into the audience showing even many celebrities were in the audience.

ND: I see all six James Bond actors sitting beside each other.

JG: Yes, a big Deathmatch welcome to Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig.

ND: We've also got an assortment of other actors watching the fight tonight. I see David Niven, Harrison Ford, Quentin Tarantino, Robert Di Nero, and many others out there!

Nick sighed when the camera landed on Megatron and his Predacons.

ND (disappointed): Even Inferno has his people here to cheer for him in the next match.

JG: Well, without further ado, let's go down to Debbie Matenopoulos who will help announce the competitors.

Debbie Matenopoulos (DM): Thanks Johnny and Stupid Douchebag, our massive team battle royale will begin in a few moments, but first, we will announce the teams.

Playing for team Dr. No (DN) - Mr. Jones, Professor Dent, Miss Taro, The Photographer, and the 3 Blind Mice

For team From Russia With Love (FRWL)- Rosa Klebb, Donald "Red" Grant, Kronsteen, Morzeny, and Krilencu

Team Goldfinger (GF)- Oddjob, Kisch, Mr. Ling, Bonita, and Capungo

Team Thunderball (TB)- Count Lippe, Angelo Palazzi, Quist, Fiona Volpe, Vargas, Dr. Ladislav Kutze, Janni, and Jacques Boitier.

Bouvar: It's pronounced "Bouvar"!

DM: Whatever.

Moving on to team You Only Live Twice (YOLT) we have - Mr. Osato, Helga Brandt, Hans, SPECTRE 3, SPECTRE 4, Sick Assassin, and the Car Driver.

Team On Her Majesty's Secret Service (OHMSS)- Irma Bunt, Grunther, and Josef.

Grunther: We are soooo fucked.

Bunt: Shut up, Grunther!

DM: Team Diamonds are Forever (DAF)- Mr. Wint, Mr. Kidd, Bert Saxby, Shady Tree, Bambi, Thumper, Peter Franks, Morton Slumber, and Professor Dr. Metz.

Mr. Wint: We will definitely be the ones to win this, won't we Mr. Kidd?

Mr. Kidd: Of course we will, Mr. Wint.

They then both held hands.

DM: Uh…right. Moving on to team Live and Let Die (LALD)- Tee Hee, Baron Samedi, Whisper, Adam, Rosie Carver, Casual Assassin, and the Cab Driver.

Tee Hee laughed and brandished his metallic arm while Samedi did his trademark cackle.

DM: Team The Man with the Golden Gun (TMWTGG) we have got - Nick Nack, Hai Fat, Chula, and Kra.

Team The Spy Who Loved Me (TSWLM) we have Naomi, Sandor, Sergi Barzov, Max Kalba, Aziz Fekkesh, Liparus Captain, Dr. Bechmann, and Professor Markovitz.

Jaws has opted to play for team Moonraker (MR) with Chang and the Tree Sniper because of the smaller team size.

Team For Your Eyes Only (FYEO) has on it - Emile Leopold Locque, Erich Kriegler, Hector Gonzales, Apostis, and Claus.

Team Octopussy (OP) consists of - Gobinda, Mischka, Grischka, Colonel Luis Toro, Dr. Lenkin, and the Yo-Yo Thug.

Team A View to a Kill (AVTAK) - May Day, Scarpine, Jenny Flex, Pan Ho, Dr. Carl Mortner, Bob Conley, and W.G. Howe.

Team The Living Daylights (TLD)- Necros, Imposter 00, Colonel Feyador, and Sergeant Stagg.

Team Licence to Kill (LTK)- Dario, Perez, Braun, Colonel Heller, Truman-Lodge, Milton Krest, Ed Killifer, Professor Joe Butcher, and Clive.

Team Goldeneye (GE)- Xenia Onatopp, General Ourumov, and Boris Grishenko.

Boris: Yes, I am invincible!

Ourumov: It's a good thing that we are all popular, it gives us a good chance to win!

DM: Yeah, you keep thinking that General.

Anywho onto Team Tomorrow Never Dies (TND)- Stamper, Henry Gupta, Dr. Kaufman, and General Chang.

Team The World is Not Enough (TWINE)- Sasha Davidov, Gabor, Mr. Bullion, Cigar Girl, Mr. Lachaise, and Dr. Mikhail Arkov.

Team Die Another Die (DAD)- Zao, Miranda Frost, Vladimir Popov, and Mr. Kil.

Our largest team, Team Casino Royale (CR)- Alex Dimitrios, Valenka, Kratt, Leo, Mollaka, Carlos, Gettler, Tall Man, Steven Obanno, Dryden, Fisher, and Obanno's Lieutenant.

And finally, we have Team Quantum of Solace (QOS)- General Medrano, Elvis, Gregory Beam, Yusef Kabira, Craig Mitchell, Edmund Slate, Carlos (Colonel of Police) and Greene's Driver.

Well guys, back up to you.

JG: Thanks Debbie. Since there will be so many fighters in the ring at one time, we have removed the turnbuckles and ropes to allow more room. Each team will elect to send in one of their members to start the round. If one of their team dies, another will be sent in to replace them. We will continue this until we have our last standing team.

ND: And since this is a massive fight, we will have several breaks in the fight to allow the teams to curb their losses. So Johnny, who do you have picked for this one?

JG: I personally think Jaws is unstoppable, I will have to go with him. What about you?

ND: I'm going with Oddjob, that hat of his is a killing machine.

JG: Wise choice Nick, in a poll on who would come out victorious our top five results were: Jaws, Oddjob, Donald "Red" Grant, Baron Samedi, and Tee Hee. Also high up on that list are Mischka, Grischka, Mr. Wint, Mr. Kidd, Xenia Onatopp, Fiona Volpe, Dario, Necros, General Ourumov, and Stamper.

ND: Who is on the opposite end of the poll, Johnny?

JG: Let's see here. From ten to one, those who have the least chance of winning, Cab Driver, Professor Ladislav Kutze, Vladimir Popov, Photographer, Morton Slumber, Professor Joe Butcher, Mr. Lachaise, Boris Grishenko, W.G. Howe, and finally, Nick Nack.

ND: I guess no one has confidence in the midget to win.

JG: Only two people who took the poll voted for him, Jason "Wee-Man" Acuna and Verne Troyer. Anyway, let's go down to Mills Lane to start this one!

Mills Lane (ML): Now teams, pick who you want to send in first and get in the damn ring!

Within a few seconds every team had chosen their starter except for Team Thunderball.

Volpe: Who are we going to send in?

The entire team looked at Kutze.

Kutze: If this is for abandoning you guys at the end of the movie, I can totally explain-.

The team grabbed Kutze and threw him into the ring.

JG: Here are the first starters, from Dr. No to QOS.

Mr. Jones, Krilencu, Oddjob, Dr. Ladislav Kutze, Hans, Grunther, Peter Franks, Tee Hee, Chula, Sergi Barzov, Jaws, Claus, Colonel Luis Toro, W.G. Howe, Necros, Colonel Heller, Xenia Onatopp, Stamper, Cigar Girl, Mr. Kil, Carlos, and General Medrano.

Kutze ran to the edge of the ring to attempt to tag his teammates.

Kutze: No, I want to live! I want to live!

Immediately, Stamper and Necros rushed Kutze and grabbed his arms. Everyone else in the ring took turns in punching Kutze. After that, Oddjob took off his trademark hat, and motioned to Stamper and Necros who let Kutze go. Oddjob threw his hat straight at the screaming Kutze, taking his head clean off.

JG: Ooo! And we have our first fatality! But what's up with Oddjob's hat Nick? I know it's steel-brimmed but that is ridiculous!

ND: Johnny, Oddjob and a few of the other henchmen have "upgraded" their "hardware" specifically for this fight.

Vargas went in the ring after Kutze's demise and joined in the fray.

Chula leaped in front of Colonel Heller and started yelling and doing karate moves. Heller simply took out a pistol and shot Chula dead.

Hai Fat: I knew I should have taught him how to use a firearm!

As Kra went in the ring, Howe was over by his team trying to get them to tag him.

Howe: Come on guys! Tag me!

Scarpine: You're expendable.

Howe then felt a sharp pain in his back. The Cigar Girl had thrown a knife in his back. In rage, Howe pulled the knife out of his back and brandished it towards the Cigar Girl. She responded by throwing another knife, but Howe ducked this time. The knife flew straight into Bob Conley's face, killing him. The Cigar Girl turned and ran from Howe.

Colonel Luis Toro was in the middle of a swordfight with Sergi Barzov. Suddenly, the Cigar Girl and Howe came running back. Howe threw his knife into Barzov's back. Barzov groaned and fell into Toro, sword first. Toro was impaled on Barzov's sword, killing him as well. Naomi and Gobinda came in to replace their teammates.

Meanwhile, Hans was keeping his distance from Tee Hee's metallic arm.

Tee Hee: Let's see what I have got in my upgrade weapon here.

Tee Hee's arm then converted into a laser, which he aimed straight at Hans. Tee Hee laughed as he tried to slice Hans into pieces.

Colonel Heller, having enough of the fight, tagged in his teammate Dario. Dario sized up his competition. Mr. Jones was in the middle of a fistfight with Krilencu. Naomi and Xenia Onatopp were deadlocked in a fight. Necros and Stamper were trying to do damage to no avail to Jaws. Hans was still trying to dodge Tee Hee's laser and Howe was still chasing the Cigar Girl around the ring. Peter Franks and Carlos were engaged in a knife fight. Vargas was pounding Zao senseless. Claus, Medrano, and Grunther were hesitant to approach Oddjob because of his hat. Finally, Gobinda and Kra were trying to knock the other out. Dario joined the other three around Oddjob, as he was considered one of the biggest threats.

Tee Hee still attempted to fire his laser, missing every single shot.

Tee Hee: Stand still!

Tee Hee fired once again. Hans dodged the beam and it went careening through Peter Franks' head as he was about to finish Carlos off. Franks fell to the ground as Carlos crawled away to his team and tagged in Gettler. Shady Tree entered for his team after Franks' death.

The Cigar Girl still ran around the ring to avoid an insane Howe. She spied her chance when she spied the discarded sword of Toro. She picked it up and stood ready for Howe. Howe, as soon as he saw the weapon, slowed down and tried to run away. He screamed as the Cigar Girl sliced, cutting Howe in half and killing him. Content, the Cigar Girl went to her team and tagged in Dr. Mikhail Arkov.

ND: Looks like Howe is "half" the man he used to be!

Only crickets chirped after the incredibly lousy joke.

JG: I'm glad you don't get paid to write, Nick.

Dr. Carl Mortner came into the ring to replace his teammate.

Throughout the ring many fights had reached a standstill with both competitors equally dodging their opponents. Only Vargas managed to best his opponent. On Zao's back, Vargas pulled out a knife and proceeded to slice Zao's throat. Zao gargled blood and fell to the ground. Miranda Frost came in to replace him and instantly went over to beat on Onatopp.

The four men around Oddjob finally decided to move. Claus foolishly charged first, only to get his head chopped off as Oddjob threw his hat at him. Medrano and Grunther restrained Oddjob as Dario whipped out his switchblade. As he inched closer to kill Oddjob, Oddjob's hat returned to its master like a boomerang and cracked against Grunther's neck, causing him to drop to the canvas. With one hand free, Oddjob quickly punched Medrano in the face and turned to face Dario. However Dario, being intelligent as well as cruel, decided to assist Oddjob. Dario quickly turned and jumped onto the wounded Grunther, repeatedly stabbing him in the chest and killing him. Oddjob only looked on with approval as he spied Medrano crawling away to tag a teammate. Oddjob quickly grabbed Medrano's right leg and twisted it with all of his strength, causing much pain for Medrano. He screamed as he reached out to simply touch someone, but most of his team backed away when they saw how powerful Oddjob was. The only one who didn't was Gregg Beam, who was too busy talking on a cell phone to notice the match. Medrano tapped Beam on the shoulder, technically making a tag as Oddjob twisted Medrano's leg off.

Beam, being an idiot, quickly rushed in the ring and tried to beat on Oddjob. Oddjob simply turned around, karate chopped him in the neck (breaking Beam's neck and killing him), and went back to work on Medrano. Medrano screamed as Oddjob turned his attention to his neck, twisting it with all his might. In mere seconds, a resounding crack indicated the General was dead. Oddjob simply got up, picked up his hat, and walked away to another fight.

Team Quantum of Solace was incredibly frightened at the sight of two of their team being mere child's play for Oddjob. Irma Bunt went in for team OHMSS, Erich Kriegler for team FYEO, and Edmund Slate was literally thrown in by team QOS. Oddjob, growing tired, went over and tagged his teammate Kisch.

Slate: Oh come on guys!

Elvis: You're a waste of a character anyway! You get introduced and are dead within a minute!

Slate: At least my name is said you wig-wearing idiot!

Elvis growled at the comment as Slate ran in to join the fight.

Meanwhile, Tee Hee shot his laser again at Hans, finally causing a direct hit, slicing off his arm. Hans screamed in pain, but continued to rush towards Tee Hee. This time, Tee Hee easily proceeded to fire his laser arm several more times at Hans, chopping him into pieces. Tee Hee simply chuckled and blew the smoke coming from the end of his arm. Mr. Osato went into the ring for his team.

Tee Hee continued the onslaught with his arm and managed to slice Gobinda's turban (with part of his skull inside) clean off his head while he was fighting Kra. Gobinda, still alive, turned and yelled at Tee Hee.

Gobinda: Hey! My brain was in there!

Brain: Feed me!

Gobinda's eyes then went into the back of his head and he collapsed to the canvas. The Yo-Yo Thug went in for team OP.

Many of the current fighters in the ring backed away from Tee Hee and his deadly weapon, some even fleeing to their teams to make tags. Krilencu tagged in Grant, Vargas tagged in Angelo Palazzi, Kra tagged in Hai Fat, Stamper tagged in Dr. Kaufman, Necros tagged in Colonel Feyador, and Mr. Jones tagged in the 3 Blind Mice who all went into the ring at once.

Feyador: Hey! They all can't come into the ring at once! That's illegal!

ML: I'll allow it!

One of the Three Blind Mice went directly after Erich Kriegler, the other zoomed after the Yo-Yo Thug, while the third caught himself staring up at Jaws. Jaws simply smiled and showed him his steel teeth. The Blind Mouse tried to run, but Jaws punched him dead in the jaw. Jaws then picked him up and proceeded to bite his jugular with his teeth.

The Blind Mouse who went after the Yo-Yo Thug did not meet a better fate. The Yo-Yo Thug simply threw his yo-yo saw at the Mouse's head, slicing into his skull and carving up his brain.

JG: OOO that's GOT to hurt!

ND: You got that right, Johnny. The Yo-Yo Thug may be an obscure villain from his film, but that saw of his is a powerful weapon indeed!

Erich Kriegler was busy fighting Gettler when he heard the third Blind Mouse yelling behind him. Instead of subtlety, the Blind Mouse was yelling and running towards him. Kriegler, tired of amateurs, simply punched Gettler away for a few seconds, turned around, and fired a crossbow arrow into his chest. Kriegler then turned back and began to fistfight with Gettler again.

With the Three Blind Mice dead, the rest of Team DN looked angrily at Mr. Jones. Jones only gave a sheepish smile as Miss Taro tried to get into the ring, only to instantly have her head taken off by the Yo-Yo Thug who was waiting. Dent sighed and the Photographer simply smacked her hand against her forehead.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the ring, Mr. Osato, Hai Fat, Shady Tree, Dr Carl Mortner, and Dr. Mikhail Arkov had gathered to show off their superiority to each other.

Shady Tree: Well, you are all about as old as me, you think you are any good?

Mr. Osato: Just watch me.

Osato proceeded to take off his belt and pressed a button on it, revealing spikes in it. He spied the Yo-Yo Thug and whipped the belt at him. The belt coiled around his neck and embedded the spikes into his neck, killing the Yo-Yo Thug.

Shady Tree: Impressive! But watch this!

Tree pulled out a wire and whipped in around Dr. Kaufman. He then pulled and Kaufman began to spin around really fast. As Kaufman spun, Tree pulled out a knife and held it up to the spinning mass. As Kaufman continued to spin, he screamed as the knife into him. As his body stopped spinning, most of his skin had been ripped away, and he fell over and died.

Arkov: Yeah, well I'M a nuclear physicist!

The other four looked at Arkov like he was an idiot. Hai Fat and Mortner then proceed to beat the tar out of Arkov.

Unbeknownst to Tree, Stamper saw the death of his mentor and rushed into the ring to avenge him. He crept up behind Tree and proceeded to crush Tree's head in his hands.

Osato: Arigato…would you care to join our alliance?

Stamper: I'm afraid I'll have to decline.

Stamper then shot Osato in the face with a high pressured bullet. Osato's face expanded as he screamed until it finally exploded.

Hai Fat and Mortner, after beating Arkov to death, turned around to see none other than Jaws behind them. They both screamed as he picked them up, one in each hand, and proceeded to bang their heads together until they both cracked open. Jaws then dropped both dead men.

Tee Hee continued to fiddle around with the settings on his new arm. He pressed a switch and it converted into a large whole.

Tee Hee: I don't remember getting THIS one! Let's see what it does!

The attachment turned out to be a grenade launcher. Tee Hee quickly fired off three shots. The first shot hit some audience members. The action then shifted to Don King in the audience.

Don King: And I'll be THERE in Madison Square, one week from tonight! I can just see everyone being the-.

He was then exploded by the second grenade causing the audience to cheer wildly. The third grenade headed over to Team The Spy Who Loved Me. Sandor instantly saw it coming, gasped, and ducked. The rest of his team wasn't lucky and were caught in the blast. Sandor stood up and sighed at his good fortune. He then gasped when he looked behind him to see Max Kalba, Aziz Fekkesh, Professor Markovitz, and Dr. Bechmann were all dead from the grenade explosion. He also saw a very angry Liparus Captain, who had survived the explosion. The Captain angrily slapped Sandor in the face for his stupidity.

Just then, a bell was sounded throughout the arena.

ML: Alright ladies, let's break it up! Go back to your teams!

JG: And that is our first break folks! This'll allow the teams to choose their next strategy and count their dead. Let's go back down to Debbie to see how many we've lost.

The camera then shifts down to the ring.

DM: Well as you can see down here, guys, it is a bloodbath! There is blood and death everywhere! Let's see how bad it has been for the teams.

Surprisingly, every member of teams FRWL, GF, LALD, MR, TLD, LTK, GE, and CR are still in it!

Team DN has lost most of their team and is only left with Mr. Jones, Professor Dent, and the Photographer.

Team TB only lost Kutze at the beginning of the match.

Team YOLT has lost Osato and Hans.

Team OHMSS lost Grunther.

Team DAF lost Shady Tree and Peter Franks.

Team TMWTGG has lost half its members and only Nick Nack and Kra remain.

Team TSWLM received a nice surprise at the end of that round and lost most of its team. Only Sandor, Naomi and the Liparus Captain are left alive.

Team FYEO only lost Claus.

Team OP is in trouble too. Not only did they lose team captain Gobinda, they also lost Toro and the Yo-Yo Thug.

Team AVTAK lost Mortner, Conley, and Howe, their three weakest teammates, so they are still in it.

Team TND only lost Kaufman.

Team TWINE only lost Arkov.

Team DAD only lost team captain Zao.

And Team QOS lost Medrano and Beam.

God that was a lot of work, back up to you guys!

JG: Thanks Debbie!

ND: Let's go back down to the ring for the second part of the match!

JG: Here are the starters this time around.

Photographer, Kronsteen, Mr. Ling, Quist, SPECTRE 4, Josef, Morton Slumber, Cab Driver, Kra, Sandor, Jaws, Hector Gonzales, Dr. Lenkin, Scarpine, Imposter 00, Professor Joe Butcher, Xenia Onatopp, Henry Gupta, Mr. Lachaise, Mr. Kil, Dryden, Carlos (Colonel of Police).

JG:…

ND:…Wow, that is the WORST line up I've ever seen.

JG: I kinda have to agree with you, Nick. Apart from Jaws, Onatopp and possibly Kra and Scarpine, every other team seems to have sent out their weakest link in an attempt to get rid of them.

The bell is rung and the new fighters take stance.

Mr. Wint: I think it's time we unveiled our secret weapon.

Mr. Kidd: Right you are, Mr. Wint.

Kidd then pressed a button and a large bomb descended from the rafters into the ring below.

JG: Oh my god! Wint and Kidd have just dropped a bomb on their competitors!

A few of the fighters quickly scrambled to save themselves. Scarpine and Kra hid behind Jaws. Josef and Sandor crouched down by one of the corners. Hector Gonzales took the Yo-Yo thug's discarded weapon and ducked down by the edge of the ring by Carlos. Mr. Kil attempted to hide by Xenia, only to be strangled to death by her thighs, causing her much pleasure. The bomb finally dropped into the ring and exploded. When the dust settled, Scarpine, Kra, Jaws, Josef, Sandor, Gonzales, Carlos, and Xenia staggered towards the center of the ring, a little shaken up, but alive. The remainder were all dead.

Most of the teams did not care since they were worthless members anyway and easily sent in their next batch which included: Professor Dent, Rosa Klebb, Capungo, Angelo Palazzi, Sick Assassin, Casual Assassin, Sergeant Stagg, Ed Killifer, General Chang, Mr. Bullion, Miranda Frost, and Mollaka.

Mr. Wint: Shall we go ahead, Mr. Kidd?

Mr. Kidd: Yes, we shall, Mr. Wint.

At that, both Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd went in for Team DAF and both Mischka and Grischka went in for Team OP.

Seeing all four of these deadly villains in the ring at once, many of the lesser people ran for their lives, but were only dragged into a fight with one of the upper henchmen.

Professor Dent proceeded to beat down on Angelo Palazzi. The Sick Assassin and the Casual Assassin stared each other down to see who was the superior assassin. Miranda Frost, as soon as she came into the ring, zoomed over and instantly grappled with Xenia Onatopp. General Chang and Sergeant Stagg were hesitant at approaching Hector Gonzales as long as he brandished the Yo-Yo Thug's saw. Kra was beating down on Carlos (Colonel of Police) while Capungo was trying to shoot Mr. Bullion (and vice versa). Sandor and Scarpine when deadlocked in hand to hand combat. Rosa Klebb was trying to stab Mollaka with her poison-tipped shoe while Ed Killifer was trying to stab Josef in the neck. Mischka and Grischka and Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd stared each other down in the center of the ring. Finally, Jaws patrolled around looking for someone to kill.

Mr. Wint: Shall we dispose of them?

Mr. Kidd: Maybe, Mr. Wint.

Mischka: Can we kill them, brother?

Grischka: Let's leave them alive…for now.

The four villains exchanged nods and ran off to kill the lesser villains.

Capungo still tried to shoot Mr. Bullion with a machine gun to no avail. As soon as Capungo ran out of ammo, Bullion smiled, pulled out a machine gun of his own, and fired. Capungo was hit multiple times and taken out. Bonita replaced her fallen comrade.

In the duel between the two Assassins, the Sick Assassin made the first move, withdrawing a knife and tried to slice the Casual Assassin's throat. The Casual Assassin pulled out his own knife, and stabbed it into the Sick Assassin's hand. This caused him to groan in pain and drop his knife. The Casual Assassin capitalized on this and stabbed the Sick Assassin in the chest with his own knife. Dying, the Sick Assassin reached into his pocket and pulled out a pistol and fired one shot. This shot hit the Casual Assassin straight between his eyes. He fell over, dead, as the Sick Assassin chuckled and fell over himself. The Car Driver and Rosie Carver replaced their respective teams.

Stagg and Chang inched closer to Gonzales. However, when Chang took one step closer, Gonzales let the Yo-Yo saw fly, cutting off Chang's head. Gonzales, however, misjudged the return force of the saw and his own head was taken off by the return speed of the saw. Stagg only sheepishly left the scene to rejoin the battle.

ND: Looks like Gonzales should have learned how to yo-yo.

JG: Not very many people know how Nick.

Emile Leopold Locque and (since no one else was left) Stamper went in for their teams.

Outside the ring, Dario watched the match with growing anger.

Dario (angrily): Damn that gringo Grant! I will kill him! But that Casino Royale team still has the most out of all of us! Braun! Perez!

He then summoned his two friends and they formulated a plan to secretly take out one of their rivals. The three of them snuck away while the rest of their team watched the fight.

Grant, meanwhile noticed they had disappeared and tapped Morzeny and Krilencu on the shoulders. The three of them then left to go create some havoc for another team as well.

Inside the ring, Ed Killifer still attempted to stab Josef in the neck, only to have a knife thrown into the back of his head. He fell off Josef. Mr. Bullion then received a knife in his neck, courtesy of the twin knife throwers themselves: Mischka and Grischka. They continued their reign of carnage and quickly threw multiple knives into the preoccupied Dent and Palazzi.

Mr. Jones went in for Team DN (again, being the only one left), Count Lippe for Team TB, and Sasha Davidov for Team TWINE. Team LTK still had to choose it's member.

Milton Krest: Alright Clive, looks like you're up.

As Clive climbed into the ring, Krest turned around to see Dario, Braun, and Perez missing.

Krest: Uh, where did those three go?

Colonel Heller and Truman-Lodge looked as well, but only shrugged in confusion.

Over by Team CR, Steven Obanno only angrily looked on at Mollaka.

Obanno: That idiot can't do shit! Why can't he die already and just let ME take over?

Obanno's Lieutenant shrugged as Obanno sighed. Obanno turned around to see someone slitting Leo's throat with a switchblade.

Obanno: Carlos! Gettler! Kratt!

The three turned around themselves to see the sight. All three pulled out some sort of firearm as Obanno withdrew a machete. He ran towards the body of Leo with a yell as Leo's body dropped to the ground. A smiling Dario ran away with Braun and Perez right behind him as Obanno cursed them in his native language.

Kratt: It appears we lost Dimitrios and Fisher as well.

Obanno angrily threw his machete on the ground.

Over by Team QOS, Elvis and Greene's Driver similarly watched Carlos (Colonel of Police) getting his ass kicked by Kra.

Elvis: This is pathetic!

Greene's Driver: What do you expect? All he does in the movie is command of bunch of corrupt cops and get shot by Bond.

Elvis: YOU got shot by Bond.

Greene's Driver: Yeah, but at least I carried a gun and got to kill someone.

Grant: Pardon me you two.

They both turned to see Grant near the dead bodies of Craig Mitchell and Edmund Slate.

Elvis gasped while Greene's Driver pulled out his handgun.

Elvis: Yusef! Kill him! Yusef?

Elvis looked beside him at Yusef Kabira, only to see him drop dead with a knife in his back courtesy of Krilencu. Elvis, seeing that his men were mostly dead, only chuckled weakly as Krilencu and Morzeny joined beside Grant.

Elvis: Can't we talk about this?

Grant smiled evilly and only backed away slowly with the other two close behind. Elvis and the Driver breathed sighs of relief as Elvis fainted to the ground.

As Grant went back to his team's area, Morzeny tapped him on the shoulder.

Morzeny: Why did we leave the other two alive?

Grant: Fear is of greater use to those alive then those who are dead.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd began targeting the females in the ring. While Bonita and Rosie Carver fought, Mr. Wint tapped Bonita on the shoulder. She turned only to have Mr. Wint shove a scorpion down her throat. Rosie watched with horror only to turn and have a corkscrew rammed into her throat by Mr. Kidd.

As Rosie slowly bled out, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd rejoined together.

Mr. Wint: I absolutely HATE women, don't you Mr. Kidd?

Mr. Kidd: Can't stand them, Mr. Wint.

Oddjob and Baron Samedi joined for their teams.

After minutes of fighting, Kra finally managed to break Carlos (Colonel of Police)'s neck (Greene's Driver replaced him). Having tired of the fight, Kra tagged in his teammate Nick Nack.

Similarly, Rosa Klebb finally managed to stab Mollaka in the shin with her poison-tipped shoe. Mollaka died 12 seconds later due to the poison. A very pissed off Obanno and his Lieutenant joined the fight for his team.

Obanno: If it's dirty playing they want, it's dirty playing they get!

Obanno withdrew his machete and instantly ran towards Samedi, while his Lieutenant tried to shoot Davidov.

Count Lippe look for someone to fight but was instantly hit in the chest with a spear gun by Clive. Lippe gasped, stared at his chest, shrugged, and died. Vargas instantly went into the ring and aimed his own spear gun at Clive.

Vargas: Hey Clive! I think YOU'LL get my point!

Clive stopped laughing and gasped as Vargas shot his spear gun at him. Clive was impaled in the chest as well, and died also. Milton Krest replaced his assistant.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd tied a bomb around a preoccupied Xenia Onatopp and Miranda Frost.

Mr. Wint: Hey ladies!

Both of them looked at Wint and Kidd, only to see that they were literally tied together.

Mr. Wint: Say hello to Shady Tree for us, would you?

Mr. Kidd then pressed a button, exploding the bomb around Xenia and Frost, blowing them to pieces.

General Ourumov: Damn it! I guess someone else will have to go in now!

Ourumov looked at Boris, his only teammate and smiled evilly.

Boris: What?

Ourumov then shoved Boris in the ring as Vladimir Popov went in for Team DAD.

Meanwhile, Nick Nack had sought out the worst person to fight: Jaws. He was trying to do any sort of damage to the giant behemoth when Jaws simply picked him up and threw him into the audience, who tore him to pieces themselves.

JG: Wow, no wonder no one voted for him!

ND: Verne and Wee-Man wasted their votes, that's for sure.

Kra went back in for his team.

Oddjob, taking a gamble, threw his hat in a random direction and decapitated both Josef and the Car Driver who had gotten in the way of the hat. Obanno's Lieutenant got more than he bargained for and was quickly shot dead by Davidov. Obanno himself was not making it easy machete fighting with Baron Samedi. Obanno growled and tried to slice one more time, only to miss and have Samedi cackle at him. Samedi then sliced open Obanno's stomach and proceeded to slice his head off. After he did so, another bell resounded in the ring.

ML: Okay, second break! Get back to your teams!

JG: Needless to say, that round was just as much a bloodbath as the first one, if not more! Here's Debbie!

DM: Well, Johnny, the dead keep piling up and many teams are down to only one man.

Surprisingly, Team MR still has all three of their members in it! Here are the rest of the teams.

Team DN only has Mr. Jones left.

Team FRWL only lost Kronsteen that round.

Oddjob and Kisch are all that's left of Team GF.

Team TB has Vargas, Janni, Fiona Volpe, and Boitier.

Bouvar: Bouvar!

Team YOLT only has Helga Brandt and SPECTRE 3.

Team OHMSS is left with Irma Bunt.

Team DAF is still one of the dominating forces and have only lose Peter Franks, Shady Tree, and Morton Slumber.

Team LALD still has Tee Hee, Adam, Whisper, and Baron Samedi.

Team TMWTGG is down to Kra.

Team TSWLM is still hanging in their with Sandor, Naomi, and the Liparus Captain.

Team FYEO still has Locque, Kriegler, and Apostis.

Mischka and Grischka are all that's left of team OP.

Team AVTAK still has May Day, Scarpine, Jenny Flex and Pan Ho.

Team TLD only lost the Imposter 00.

Team LTK is still strong with only three lost members, Killifer, Clive, and Butcher.

Team GE lost fan favorite Xenia Onatopp.

Only team captain Stamper is left for team TND.

Team TWINE still has Davidov, Gabor, and the Cigar Girl.

Vladimir Popov is all that remains for Team DAD.

Thanks to a sneak attack by Dario, Team CR has lost a few of its members though Valenka, Kratt, Carlos, Gettler, and the Tall Man are still in it.

Another sneak attack by Grant has left Team QOS with only Greene's Driver and a recently-returned-to-consciousness Elvis.

Out of the 134 starters, we are down to our last 63 fighters. By the time we take our last break, hopefully we will be down some teams. Back up to you guys!

JG: Thanks Debbie.

ND: Before we go back, we had our audience take another poll with who might win. Let's see if anything has changed.

JG: According to our latest results, the top five to win are: Jaws, Oddjob, Donald "Red" Grant, Tee Hee, and Baron Samedi.

ND: So, only Tee Hee changed spots? What about other high up people?

JG: Mischka, Grischka, Mr. Wint, Mr. Kidd, Dario, Necros, Stamper, General Ourumov, Fiona Volpe, and Scarpine.

ND: So basically Scarpine replaced Xenia? JG: Yeah, but the opposite end of the list has changed drastically.

ND: Who's on it now?

JG: From ten to one: Sergeant Stagg, Whisper, Bert Saxby, SPECTRE 3, Professor Dr. Metz, Milton Krest, Vladimir Popov, Truman-Lodge, Elvis, and Boris Grishenko.

ND: Wow Elvis must have dropped a lot.

JG: Well, fainting didn't help out his popularity any. Let's go back down to the ring with the team's latest choices.

Mr. Jones, Donald "Red" Grant, Oddjob, Fiona Volpe, SPECTRE 3, Irma Bunt, Bambi & Thumper, Baron Samedi, Kra, Liparus Captain, Tree Sniper, Emile Leopold Locque, Mischka & Grischka, Jenny Flex & Pan Ho, Colonel Feyador, Milton Krest, Boris Grishenko, Stamper, Sasha Davidov, Vladimir Popov, Valenka, Elvis

The bell is run and the fight begins again.

JG: I wonder if anyone is going to capitalize on the fact that Jaws is not in this match for the first time!

Immediately, people began going at each other with whatever weapons they could get a hold of. Grant instantly went jumped at Oddjob, his biggest competition. Bambi & Thumper, Mischka & Grischka, and Jenny Flex & Pan Ho went to the center of the ring and began to punch at each other. Jenny paired with Thumper, Pan paired with Mischka, and Grischka paired with Bambi. Colonel Feyador tried to shoot Mr. Jones dead while Elvis tried to regain his dignity by attempting to slit Davidov's throat. Vladimir Popov went toe-to-toe with both SPECTRE 3 and Boris, seeing as how they were some of the weakest competitors. Stamper and Kra were also battling each other tooth and nail while Valenka and Fiona Volpe were in the middle of a catfight. The Tree Sniper set himself up in a corner and tried to shoot anyone that got too close. Milton Krest and the Liparus Captain were hesitant in approaching him. Emile Leopold Locque, Irma Bunt, and Baron Samedi all fought each other as well.

Krest and the Liparus Captain both rushed the Tree Sniper, who attempted to fire at them in retaliation. The shot whizzed by them both and hit SPECTRE 3 in the head.

Krest and the Captain took turns in beating the tar out of the Tree Sniper, before breaking his rifle over his head. For good measure, Krest fired multiple times into him. As thanks, Krest shook the Captain's hand.

Liparus Captain: You know, you shouldn't have done this.

The Captain then took out a knife in his other hand and jabbed it into the back of Krest's head.

Helga Brandt, Chang, and Colonel Heller replaced them.

At the team battle, Grischka easily won his by slicing Bambi's throat. He then aimed carefully at the battle between his brother and Pan Ho. He threw one knife that hit Pan Ho in the neck.

Mischka: Thanks, brother.

They then watched as Thumper and Jenny Flex still battled on, ready to kill the winner.

Oddjob struggled as Grant was trying to choke him to death with his wristwatch garrote wire. Oddjob reached out and touched Kisch's hand, signaling a tag. Kisch came in the ring, brandishing a shotgun and fired at Grant. Grant let go of Oddjob and instantly tagged in a distracted Morzeny.

Morzeny: What?

He then looked to see Kisch's shotgun pointed right at his head.

Morzeny: Ooh.

Kisch then blew off Morzeny's face as Grant jumped on Kisch, causing him to drop the shotgun.

Elvis still tried to kill off Davidov, but only failed every time.

Elvis (angrily): I'll kill you yet!

Elvis then spotted the Yo-Yo Thug's forgotten weapon and picked it up. Smiling evilly, Elvis let the saw fly, only for Davidov to dodge it. The saw did find its way into the chest of Professor Dr. Metz on the side of the ring, killing him.

Elvis: Damn, I suck!

Davidov: Yes, yes you do.

Davidov then started to ready his fists to kill Elvis, when the saw returned and landed in the back of his head. Davidov groaned and fell forward as he smiled at Elvis. The Cigar Girl jumped in the ring and began to beat on Elvis.

Samedi, Bunt, and Locque's fight was getting nowhere. Each one was dodging the others attacks. Locque rolled out of the way of Samedi's machete as he swiped. Unfortunately, Samedi sliced off the heads of Vladimir Popov and Boris Grishenko as Locque rolled away. Boris's head still somehow lived on.

Boris's head: Yes! I am invincible!

However, his head was then instantly stomped on by Stamper who was still fighting with Kra. General Ourumov took over for team GE.

Jenny Flex, meanwhile, finally managed to strangle Thumper to death, at the cost of one of her arms. Mischka and Grischka were waiting for her as she got up, and with a few slices of their knives, Jenny fell to pieces.

Over by the side, May Day yelled for her fallen comrades, throwing off the aim of Colonel Feyador who still tried to shoot Mr. Jones. Feyador, pissed off at the interruption, turned and emptied his pistol in May Day to shut her up. He then turned to see Mr. Jones with a gun of his own at his face. Feyador tried to shoot his gun only to hear a click.

Feyador:…..Shit.

Jones then fired and brought the end of Colonel Feyador. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd forced Burt Saxby in for their team, Scarpine for team AVTAK, and Sergeant Stagg for Team TLD.

Samedi and Locque were tired of fighting and getting nowhere, so they tagged in their teammates Adam and Apostis. They both stared at Irma Bunt.

Bunt: I will still kill you! I killed Bond's wife, and I can kill you!

Adam: Yeah, but you're just an old lady.

Apostis nodded in agreement.

Bunt: I can still dodge whatever you throw at me!

Adam and Apostis both withdrew machine guns and shot Irma Bunt to pieces.

Adam: Try dodging that.

Tee Hee was still outside the ring enjoying all the new attachments of his metallic arm.

Tee Hee: Hey Samedi! Check this one out!

Baron Samedi came over as Tee Hee changed his arm into a flamethrower and set their poor teammate Whisper on fire. Whisper tried to put out the flames, but they soon engulfed him. All Samedi and Tee Hee could do was laugh their asses off at killing their own teammate.

Fiona Volpe and Valenka still went at it toe to toe. Suddenly, Helga Brandt came out of nowhere and tried to stab them both with a sword. They both stopped fighting and looked at Helga. Helga tried spinning the sword every way possible to show off. When she was done however, she fell to pieces, having dismembered herself while she tried to show off. Valenka and Volpe could only laugh at the stupidity as Grant and Kisch jumped the two of them and strangled them both to death while they were distracted.

ND: And there goes fan favorite Fiona Volpe.

JG: Just goes to show, don't ever stop in a deathmatch.

Vargas shoved Jacques Bouvar in for his team while Gettler put the Tall Man in for his. While this was going on, Elvis tagged in Greene's Driver who started beating the Tall Man the minute he came in the ring.

The Liparus Captain was now battling against Sergeant Stagg when General Ourumov came out of nowhere and gunned them both down with a machine gun.

Ourumov: Subtlety - it always works.

As Naomi and Necros came in for their teams, Mischka and Grischka were having a ball killing anyone they saw, in or outside the ring. They clocked both Adam and Apostis in the face, then started to throw wildly at everyone else. At the same time, Scarpine pulled out a submachine gun and proceeded to fire at anything that moved. He succeeded in shooting down Bert Saxby and shot at anyone else. Several of his bullets riddled Truman-Lodge and Carlos, killing both of them. Mischka and Grischka threw knives at anyone at ringside. Janni was hit multiple times. Krilencu also ducked behind Rosa Klebb, who took several knives to the face for Krilencu. Krilencu then sighed at his good fortune, only to have the last knife hit him in the face.

Chang, using his kendo kit, broke his stick on the neck of Mr. Jones and proceeded to karate chop Kra in the stomach as he was running by. Kra grabbed his stomach in pain, only for his insides to burst and Kra to fall over dead. As Stamper came by, Chang tried to karate chop Stamper the same way, only for Chang to break his hand on Stamper's abs. Stamper then punched Chang in the face, causing him to go over by Kisch who finished him with his shotgun.

As Chang went down, the bell was rung again and Mills came out again.

ML: Alright, get back to what's left of your teams!

Greene's Driver and the Tall Man, however, were far from finished, and charged each other one last time.

ML: Break it up! Break it up!

Tall Man: What are you gonna do about it, gramps?

Greene's Driver: Let us fight you old fool!

ML: This is my ring, damn it! And you wanna know what I'll do smartass?

Mills then reached into both men's chest and pulled out their hearts. The Tall Man and Greene's Driver stared at each other with disbelief, as they fell back on the canvas.

ND: Damn! Mills means business!

JG: Down to Debbie.

DM: Thanks again, Johnny. With this last part of the match, every last fighter will be in the ring at once.

As of now, Teams DN, YOLT, OHMSS, TMWTGG, and DAD are out of it. We are down to the bear minimum per team, except for LTK, that is.

The only competitors left are Donald "Red" Grant, Oddjob, Kisch, Jacques Boitier,-.

Bouvar: Bouvar, god damn it!

DM: -Vargas, Mr. Wint, Mr. Kidd, Tee Hee, Baron Samedi, Sandor, Naomi, Jaws, Emile Leopold Locque, Erich Kriegler, Mischka, Grischka, Scarpine, Necros, Dario, Braun, Perez, Colonel Heller, General Ourumov, Stamper, Gabor, Cigar Girl, Kratt, Gettler, and Elvis.

We are down to our last 29 competitors! Back up to you guys.

JG: Only 29 of our fighters remain! Although just how some of them have gotten this far, I don't know.

ND: Yeah, Kratt, Gabor, Braun and Perez have yet to even fight in this match!

Back in the ring, the 29 remaining fighters piled into the ring and the bell rang. Instantly, Gettler fired a nail gun at Bouvar, piercing his eyes. As Bouvar screamed, Dario finished his off with his switchblade. Oddjob quickly threw his hat and took off the head of the Cigar Girl. Wint and Kidd crowded around Naomi, being the only female left, and beat her to death. Sandor had part of his head cut off by Samedi's machete, killing him as well. Gabor's throat was sliced by Tee Hee's metallic arm. Stamper and Necros crushed Gettler's head like a grape while Grant strangled Elvis with his garrote wire. Colonel Heller then took out a grenade launcher and fired at an incoming Kratt, blowing him to pieces. Dario, Braun, and Perez gathered around him.

Dario: Congratulations!

Heller: Thanks.

Dario: Amigos?

Braun and Perez smiled evilly as they gunned down their former ally. Grant then angrily rushed Dario as Jaws came into the middle of the ring and yelled.

Jaws: STOP!

Everyone remaining suddenly stopped and looked at Jaws.

Jaws: Can't you see what you're doing is senseless! This is all for the glory of what? Some stupid award?

The other villains realized how stupid they were and began to drop their weapons. Even Dario and Grant nodded and then proceeded to shake the other's hand.

Jaws: We should be doing what we do best! Taking over the world!

Others: YEAH!

Jaws: But first, with out combined strength, we should kill Bond!

Others: YEAH!

After hearing "Kill Bond", Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan, and Craig whistled and inconspicuously left their seats and ran for their lives. At the same time, David Niven was coming back from the snack bar.

Scarpine: Hey! It's Bond!

Mr. Wint: Let's get him!

Mr. Kidd: Save me a hit, Mr. Wint.

The villains charged him and tore the screaming Niven to pieces. With their supposed mission completed, Grant, Oddjob, Kisch, Vargas, Wint, Kidd, Tee Hee, Samedi, Jaws, Locque, Kriegler, Mischka, Grischka, Scarpine, Necros, Dario, Perez, Braun, General Ourumov, and Stamper all proceeded to exit the arena to reek havoc on the world.

ND: Why did they kill Niven, Johnny?

JG: Well, Niven starred as James Bond in a Casino Royale spoof film in 1969.

ND: So, to them, there is only ONE James Bond.

JG: Apparently.

ND: But, who won?

JG: We'll never know now, thanks to Jaws.

ND: Perhaps it should just be a 20-way tie.

JG: That's all fine and good, but who is going to stop them from destroying the world?

ND: We'll just let the government handle it like we always do.

After that comment, there was awkward silence for a few seconds.

ND:…We're doomed aren't we?

Johnny only smacked his hand against his face in reply.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

Closing Note: As you can no doubt guess, those surviving 20 are my favorite henchmen of the whole series.


End file.
